Dreaming.

I have a dream that our fight for civil rights will not end in sleepless nights,
a fantasy that we can live in harmony with equality
acting as the bridge that connects you and me.
I dream of unity between man, woman and beast instead of
the hatred that manifests as violence erupting in the streets and under the sheets.
My reverie has been interrupted by the greed
that oppresses and hides in deceit filled fleets.
One ship prepared for battle and another for war,
as our chests heave with anger
until we have all become casualties of the rich,
though we remain poor.
This eye for an eye ideology has made the world blind,
forgiveness unheard of in a world where love has been left behind.
I had a dream that justice was real, that our hearts would stay open,
instead our blood has congealed.
Humanity, the only race, instead of
socially constructed labels we were assigned to keep us in our right place.
I have a dream one day man will be judged not by the colour of his skin
but by the content of his character;
loved for what was within and not just based on melanin.
I still believe in my dream, we have not fallen so far from grace that we cannot be saved.
My dream may one day still be a reality,
to lose faith in love would be like succumbing to insanity.
I have a dream thanks to a King who was dethroned by bigotry,
but whose legacy has paved the way for a boy like me to dare to even dream.

Escapism.

A coma would even be better than the reality that is my most skilled enemy.
Numb from anesthesia would be sweeter than being forced to cope.
Desensitized by sedatives so I could get some peace.
Dead man walking now that I've forgotten how to sleep.

My thoughts possess me making my skin crawl like my anxiety is composed of fleas.
I am my harshest critic when I ostracize myself for believing my own lies.
Always waiting for a new day to arrive although my sun refuses to rise.
Time was supposed to heal all wounds but cuts me instead, unwilling to let me rest.

Cancer would even be better on me as it would come equipped with pain that I could see.
Anguish from traumatic events are not tangible;
invisible to the world, so I feel it is an unworthy defense.
Suffering in this state is only understood by others privy to emotional pain.

If only it were simple to explain, and stigma was not saved for illnesses that exist inside our brains.
I was meant for so much more than this life defined by the obstacles that I have endured.
Not measured in success but rather by the duress that has
robbed me of any reason to feel accomplished.

Each lesson pulls me in a different direction
as I've tried everything from prayer to therapy in the hopes that I could somehow change my perception.
The only cure would be sanctuary from my emotions that are diseased.

I would love to be released from the insanity
that circles inside me like a merry go round that will not stop long enough to let me off.
Privileged to be born free, my own choices have imprisoned me;
the abuse I became used to set the ground for the decay that disparages my mind.

I went from hurting myself physically to chasing temporary highs
to mask the sorrows that are so easily drowned in ravines of red wine.
I beg of God to have mercy on my soul and take away the insomnia that invades me,
a cycle that never ceases to end.
My greatest conflict is to regain control of my life, which can only happen once I make amends with my past that I've condemned.

Atonement.

When I break, I fall like Autumn leaves the trees barren for the winter;
like a lover that has taken all it can before departing.
Beautiful to behold the spectacle right before I hit the floor, stripped bare.
All the reds reflected in my eyes, my ire overwhelming me with such arrogant anxiety.
Denied of you, the air, the oxygen that I had depended on to help me breathe,
my world becomes diseased and waits for winter's cold to numb the pain.
My blood has frozen inside me as the reaper waits restlessly through the delay caused by a deathbed made of sharp snow; such a contrast, to the softness of it when I was young and innocent still.
The pieces of me are scattered and on display for all to see and scrutinize.
I am brutally aware, for the first time, that I have spent my life waiting for a sun that refused to rise. My demise is imminent now that the seasons change;
a sobering reminder that life will always go on whether or not
I am inspired to evolve or resigned to rot.
The birds and the bees disappear as the streets become bare, a clear sign indicating the loneliness that is about to set in.
I scramble to find shelter from the abrasive cold that
relentlessly robs the lush green landscape of its clothing,
reducing it to spindly bones.
But in my haste, I have forgotten that I have no home,
as my soul sees its opportunity to leave and escapes through my blue lips,
excited to finally feel atoned.

Blood & Guts.

My high threshold for emotional pain became like anesthesia,
numbing me from the inside out as the contents of my soul had somehow developed amnesia.
I was filled with such ravenous rage that it tore my skin from my bone, like acid rain.
My heart was like a furnace overheating, desperate to silence my internal suffering that had become so scathing.
Wanting to be left alone to wallow in my maladaptive misery,
I let the ink stain my skin, just once,
in the hope that it would set me free from my artificial reality.
I was enslaved by my anger, as hostility reigned supreme inside of me, it was like cancer.
My tears were the permanent tattoos that no one could know,
my vulnerability made me feel weaker with each perceived blow to my ego.
Naive and perhaps a product of my environment
as I wrote blood and guts on my arm, in Japanese, as my eternal punishment.
It acts as a reminder now, a vigil of sorts to the hardened persona that is no more.
In his place is the lost and afraid little boy that raced towards a future that never materialized;
he cowers in fear now his only shield was revealed to be comprised of lies.
My tattoo, though macabre, is a testament to my faith in myself to always be held accountable.
It was unjust and in poor taste for me to play the victim for so long,
unwilling to accept that my own behaviour was wrong.
I now see the error that corroded me and have vowed to strive for change.
Through staring at my tattoo, I have gained the insight
and clarity that are helping me take the reins, an action that was long overdue.
Although I am still fallible, as humans are, I will not allow my demons to leave scars on my loved ones' hearts.

Flashbacks.

Chain-smoking, choking back tears from years of being broken,
I find it more difficult than ever to melt my heart that has became an expert at being frozen.
Like a bell that chimes to deaf ears, I know it is time for me to disappear,
as I feel like a guest that's not only overstayed their welcome
but also lost everyone's respect.
I have became the poster child for neglect,
now that I've made a habit of running from anything that could make me upset.
Layers of build-up have made me smile on the surface when I feel completely worthless,
like a lie, repeated enough to make it real.
We have only just begun to scratch the skin of the shipwreck that lies within.
As I descend, I see that each tier is a level into the fiery pits of Hell.
It seemed harder to conceal the tireless trauma
than to learn to cope motivated by the possibility of getting stronger.
There was no method to my madness when I lashed out at nearly everyone,
accusing anyone but me for my own sadness.
Substance abuse provided an easy escape route from my issues
that are exacerbated now from the result of being refused.
Each attempt I've made to vocalize my pain has made my throat hoarse as my words got lodged between the racing thoughts and their regime.
I need a cure, the kind that only unconditional love can provide,
but my wells have dried; my thirst so dire that I begged to die.
My fears of failing one more time have me scared for my life; I must succeed,
I cannot keep refusing every lifeline.
Each memory rushes in and I am besieged,
forced to confront every element that haunts me permanently,
whether I'm awake or in my dreams.
Afflicted when I should have been free to adopt my own sexual identity;
attacked, held hostage in disbelief, that this could also happen to me.
I blame myself for the irreparable damage caused
when I was carved like meat on different plates then swallowed by predatory mouths.
Objectified, so now I feel dehumanized and displaced because
I am unsure of how to continue without the facade.
I am not okay, nor am I just fine; I'm hurt,
irate and wish these troubles were not mine.
Sinking deeper into myself, I was shocked to find
the lost little boy that I left behind somehow still fighting to stay alive;
I was convinced he had been dead for years, replaced by this man
that I have no idea what it even means to be.
All I ever wanted was compassion, but instead I am slave to others' sympathy.

Soup.

You and I were the best team, we could've been in the major leagues.
I wanted us forever, as I know that we were destined to be together.
You were my hands when my own forgot how to feel,
the cure for my wounds that never seemed to want to heal.

My vision obscured by enemies I could not see,
as I sat cross legged and prayed for clarity in a field of broken dreams.
I didn't hear well enough to listen to your fears.
I had grown accustomed to ignoring any sense or logic.

So it's no surprise now that I've been forgotten.
The only taste I know is bitterness now, its acidity more acrid with each blow.
Falling apart without security is not reassuring,
as I am covered in doubts that keep me from blooming.

Open my mouth to speak,wanting to beg you to stay,
though I've lost the words that could keep you from slipping away.
I beg of you to give us one more chance but then
question how I could ever change the circumstances.

Separated now, my ego is to blame for dousing our love with
gasoline then watching idly as it was swallowed by flames.
We were both important but became imprisoned by all the things we never said;
the silence became the norm as we were devoured by the underlying sense of dread.

Darkened by our union, we lost it all in a few haunting nights.
The days that followed only revealed that nothing could make us right.
All our desires burned and became ashes from the wildfires that we started but never put out.
Passion stripped away, left me naked and afraid,

I didn't know the words that could somehow convince you to stay.
Now I stand alone, surrounded by fog that has replaced your presence.
Without a good defense, I am reduced to tears as I mourn your loss alone.
It's awfully cold without your arms around me; you were the soup that warmed my soul.

Corinthians.

If love is patient and love is kind, then why does ignore the tears we bring to our lover's eyes?
How can I love another soul only to lose all self-control, barricade myself in a room with insults and obscenities as the padding on its walls.
I love unconditionally, without expectation, then harbour resentment which materializes as frustration when it's not reciprocated.

If love does not envy then tell me, how did I feel resentful of the simplicity with which my partner loved me, when my own journey was an emotional, and wild ride?
Uncharacteristic of love to boast or be proud, yet my own experiences with it fill me with guilt that permanently lingers, like a storm-cloud that shrouds the world in grey, then turns it upside down.

Love is not meant to dishonour others, yet here we are ashamed that we let down our guard.
If only I had held on tighter, neither of us would now be lost.
Remorse is a wicked thing as it will not let me let go, knowing I have caused you pain and scarred your soul with my twisted misinterpretation of love.

It's rumoured that love is not self-seeking but, in retrospect, it's clear I always put myself first.
I belittled you, repeatedly; each barb cut away layers of your confidence, and then I pursued you until you were convinced that all I uttered was a lie.

I commend you now for staying in my wicked game for as long as you did, admire your resilience as you became skillfully adept at handling my illness.

Not easily angered, love can only withstand so much before it has had all that it can take and decides that's more than enough.
Forced to be calm and bite its tongue for far too long, our love began to choke from all the toxic trauma that it had swallowed.

Love is not supposed to keep records of wrongs but how should it forget all the sadness, and somehow just be strong?
Is it eventually not a lack of love for oneself that keeps forgiving another's abuse despite putting them through Hell?

I delighted in evil though I denied it, depriving us of liberation from the truth.
As we held one another for the last time, I wished I'd never been such a fool.

Always protects, trusts, hopes and perseveres; if only I'd learned this sooner, maybe we would have been in love for years.

Love never fails but once I allowed ego to invade our love, insecurity was all that could prevail.

Alone.

Logic would be appreciated if it helped me figure out a way to be okay,
to survive each tragedy, like acts of terrorism that leave me shaken but unscathed.
I no longer believe in miracles now that hope has let me down.
I had faith once, too, until it showed me that we are all alone,
until the day we die and from the moment we are born.
In theory, all the strategies to stay safe sounded like they could work,
until I tried to practice them and saw that my anger could not be reversed.
Deterred and feeling desperate, I tried to stay hanging on
though my grip was weakening with each new blow that I was dealt.
Reason became unreasonable to me, as fictitious now as fairy tales of mermaids in the sea.
Unable to accept the desert that I woke up and found myself dehydrated in, although I could acknowledge that my aggression was responsible for my loved ones' abandonment.
Unrealistic to assume the casualties of the war I waged against myself
were saints and could repeatedly forgive me for my torment.
I wish that I could just get it right so that love and I
would not always be like two ships passing in the night.

Holy War.

In you I saw the world, you became the eighth wonder faster than I could run away.
But then you took me by surprise,
I was caught off guard and shell-shocked when you left me,
now I'm blind.
My soul was elated by your touch, I felt like the only man alive from your attention.
Now I have been robbed of my ability to feel, my nerves unnerved in your absence.
I swear I can still smell the fragrance of your breath that gave me chills.
Each day seems longer and more empty now that you're not here.
Homesick because I miss the distraction that I felt inside your arms.
Hours could pass and then you'd depart,
oh how I craved you then, wishing you would stay.
Almost as if I knew a day would come when we'd say our last goodbyes.
Now I'm burning; my dreams can only be satisfied by you.
Validated by your existence, now the threads holding me together become loose.
I am still under your spell, just one look from you and I could fall again.
Hopeful that our story is not over, just on hold as I pray we can still grow old together.
I traveled far and wide, restless to find my missing piece;
my search led me to you and I knew instantly that you and I were meant to be.
My quest for love took me to California, Sydney and Halifax,
but I was not fulfilled until I looked up and found you staring back.
A holy war inside me that led me to Mecca and the Vatican,
unaware the God I was looking for lived inside you, the cure to my suffering.
Circumnavigated the globe searching for a reason to keep my faith alive,
and then you arrived and I melted like two inches of snow on a warm day.
The collision of our hearts was more powerful than an atomic bomb;
two souls that fit together as though part of some bigger plan.
My love flowed from me to you and back again;
my strength increasing as I felt like I was being revived.
Now I call you just to hear your breath, I close my eyes and pretend it's on my neck.
Gone now as I mourn your loss and it becomes increasingly clear,
that I am responsible for our ruin;
I just wish that I had cherished you when you were here.

Indoctrination Irritation.

I am angered by apathy and others' ignorance most often as their incompetence is unfounded
in an age where information is readily available at the click of a button.
Hatred and bigotry are not inherent yet are as common as if they were innate.
Learned behaviours prevail as an eye for an eye ideology has left the whole world blind.
I try to avoid judgment though it's difficult when I encounter so many passersby that are unkind.
A man's character should be assessed based on the contents of his heart
yet still some have been infected by greed for money and power, the reasons why wars start.
Incensed by the lack of empathy that exists in a world controlled by consumerism, as though worth can be measured by the materials we possess.
Annoyed by arrogance, I strive to stay conscious of my confidence and grounded by my acceptance of the impermanence of all.
Bothered by blind faith which burns throughout the human race, as we are forced into a system that has no place for free thinkers robbing them of a face.
The stigma attached to questioning things or daring to look inwards is like a scarlet letter that labels us as insane.
Yet a society that stands for nothing and falls for everything is somehow not deranged.
It begs the question of whether it's perception or deception that categorizes
depression as a chemical imbalance residing in the brain.

Life of Pi.

My efforts are like rescuers that saved me when depression left me bereft and lost at sea.
Floating in a life preserver, with doubts inside of me that were more ferocious than a Bengal tiger. Dangerously close to the edge, and on the brink of extinction, I peeled back the layers of my guards that made my eyes cry like onions.
I watched helplessly as the remnants of my security were swallowed by the relentless waters of the Indian ocean, deprived of graves, their final resting place was in the Marianas Trench.
Somehow I made it out alive and managed to do so even though I was soaking wet and drenched.
I learned to tame the beasts that were my fears that if monetized, would have made me a billionaire. Somehow I stayed afloat, in retrospect, it was my hope and faith that worked behind the scenes to keep me safe and sound.
Ashamed to admit that there were far too many days that I believed it would've been better if I had just drowned.
Denial filled my head, echoing like screams that ricocheted in the Grand Canyon.
It was then that I discovered my spirit contained the indomitable strength and resilience that I had hidden twenty thousand leagues under the sea inside of me.
Like a lost continent found, my soul is the Atlantis that I've come upon.
Castaway from civilization is what it took for me to conclude that my perseverance is still cause for celebration.
Now I roar like Poseidon, I am king again, like Triton.
I narrowly escaped my perilous ruin, slightly scathed but otherwise okay.
The depths of my despair decreased as my lungs filled up again with air.
I have become immune to the trauma, radical acceptance helped me triumph over my salt water sorrows that tried to bury me alive underneath the sands of shallow, superficial drama.

Onomatopoeic Infatuation.

Drip drop as the intravenous tries to nourish me,
tick tock time passes and I wait in anguish for an end to my suffering.
Squish, crunch went my heart crushed under your foot like a cockroach.
Popped my dreams for the future like a balloon as I zip up the sutures, closing my open wounds. Clapping thunder crashed outside my window; it only rains now that you're gone.
We clashed like titans, our hungry egos were the ammunition that ultimately sunk both our battleships.
Clicked my heels together twice, three times, hoping it would help me like ruby red slippers on Dorothy's homesick feet.
In our last days, a cough could even set me off; I now regret that I could be so unkind.
Flushed now as I reflect on all we left behind; all the pieces of us scattered around the world make me groan as I realize we hardly even tried.
My stomach growls like a feral child raised by wolves and other creatures in the wild.
Grumble, as I wish we never crumbled collapsing underneath the weight of every rumble.
Praying for a hiccup to undo our history, hoping we can be restored and revert to loving one another in peace.
I hiss from being deflated, you were the oxygen inside my lungs.
Howling from the pain like an orphaned coyote wanting to be loved again.
All our work and effort was consumed by fires that we started on our own, our love went up in flames, ending in a simple puff of sickening smoke.
My bones rattled inside me as I grew spindly weak, starved for affection like a dog in heat out in the streets.
Ripped up like unwanted evidence, my spirit roared reeling from the loss.
If only my tires screeched and came to a halt instead of the failing brakes which plowed right over us. My sorrow shrieks silently succumbing to insomnia that makes it restless and thus, impossible to sleep.
Smashed, I became intoxicated drowning my anxiety as inebriation murdered my sobriety and left it splattered on the floor.
Splashing holy water on my face desperately longing to be a victim of this demonic heartbreak no more.
Swallowed me and spit me out as sirens wailed outside my window from signs of life and death that whizzed right by.
My frustration finally trickled out when it became clear that I would be safe again real soon, saved from the bullet of our drive-by romance that zoomed past my head, destined for the moon.

Basic Instinct.

You are an amateur claiming to be on my level,
yet your life reads like a comedy, your looks are equally disheveled.
Trying to ascend, your feeble attempts to social climb are irrelevant,
laughable and unphotographable just like a funny Valentine.
I am expertly skilled at what I do, undefeated even at my worst as you, despite all of your efforts,
are like a balloon filled with more than enough hot air to make you burst.
Unraveling, your seams are slowly but surely coming undone in front of everyone,
 it's clear for even the blind to see that you're not fooling anyone.
Equipped with only basic qualities, you're barely a beginner and yet you still try to compete with the likes of me.
I will always win, victory courses through my veins.
I am comprised of triumph, defeating you will come as easily as any of the trophies I have fairly won. I hold the deed, the title to your properties; the landlord of all that you could even imagine or aspire to be.
Deluded, as you confuse your self-awareness for confidence when even a quick glance from me could send you reeling into an infernal abyss.
I tear down your walls, bring your castles crashing to the ground;
I saw through your facade like it was made of the cheapest quality of fabric.
Should never have doubted me; I could have shown you the ropes and maybe you would also be fantastic.
Hilarity crept in through your front door and now hides within the shadows and corners of your home. Your people pleasing is pitiful, your only motivation was to be validated by strangers;
how can you be so naive that you've been burned by the fire of your artificiality so many times and somehow still fail to detect the danger?
Fickle friends, as fair-weather as can be, fill your company,
and then you somehow wonder how no one is around when you're in need.
I have risen above and you're still in shock on the cold, hard ground;
you sink further into obscurity's deceit, lost and damaged,
I sadly doubt that you will ever be found.

Worthy.

A dream is a wish your heart makes and I know mine has been granted
as I have been given a fresh lease on life; I feel like I am enchanted.
I will no longer give into grief or let depression seep into me.
I have promised myself to stay committed to the sobriety which will set me free.
The magnificent beast inside me has been defeated, my rage is now extinct.
I am the master of the game, my demons exorcised in a blink.
All it took was time to truly let my wounds heal,
as the introspection allowed for me to remember how to feel.
I was as angry as a warrior that wanted to avenge his ancestors' honour,
like a soldier in the trenches armed and ready for battle.
I forced everyone around me to walk on eggshells as
the slightest misstep would wake this dragon from its slumber;
they were David, I was Goliath when I incited terror with my voice that echoed like thunder. Voracious and vile, I would not stop until I was the victor
though I only saw the damage I caused when all was quiet as a whisper.
The silence became deafening as it wanted to teach me to take accountability,
which has now become my greatest lesson.
A boy who cries wolf too many times is sure to be abandoned,
consistency can be the only way he will be redeemed.
I will climb the highest mountain, and swim across the most dangerous seas,
tread through perilous deserts in the name of self-mastery.
I do not want different faces, or to fill my loved ones hearts with fear,
I cannot keep rewinding, or backpedaling to undo their tears.
Self-control will only come when I learn to bite my tongue,
I am evolving now that I have identified the root cause of my actions.
Growing again from the inside out, as I have discovered my fear of being deserted.
I know that I can get through this, I owe it to my future because I am worth it.

Soliloquy.

In an instant, all was calm again as you came along and chased the pain.
We connected as naturally as birds and bees, our love coursing through my veins
revived my depraved heart.
Happiness comes from within but you made me see that life is not the same without it.
You cured the cardiac arrest that made me seize and closed off to letting anybody in.
Like the wind, you soothed my soul when it burned with restlessness.
For a short period in time, I recognized the power of real love;
stabilized my vital signs, like insulin, you made everything right again.
Now that you've gone away, I am forced to pick up the pieces of me that I never wanted to address,
all the parts of me that I learned to suppress by ignoring my loneliness.
You were the deejay that removed the blues from my playlist,
the master that made me a slave to love whose existence I had tried so hard to deny.
I naively protected myself in vain as though I had lost the very ability which had controlled me all of my life.
You were the maestro that conducted my most beautiful symphony to date, the sorcerer that cast the most beguiling spell on me.
Ignorant to the possibility that I could ever hurt again,
until you tore your love away from me, ripping all of the oxytocin from my brain.
Leaving me to shake from the withdrawal of your kiss; your caresses had become my favourite drugs. You were the tamer that domesticated my wild heart, the answer to the prayers I had been uttering since the day I learned how to talk.
My body denied of your touch brings tears to even the most hardened eyes;
 I was not ready to wake up from our dream, unprepared to stop singing the words to the lullaby that we co-wrote.
You were the sculptor that engraved his name onto my soul, the only consolation that could ever make me whole again.
Maybe we forgot how to appreciate one another in the dark,
though I saw light when you only saw an end to our farce.
Claimed that I was empty yet you failed to see the emptiness that you had filled.
Now that you're gone, the hollowness within becomes wider with each day.
You were my knight, the light that illuminated the immense darkness that I had adjusted to.
Once again, I have to learn to see through all the fog that had cleared when you arrived with the sun.
I never knew a love like ours that was always patient and kind;
never judgmental but in the end, you could not continue pretending to be blind.
Maybe one day we can sail again among the stars, you were my moon,
my sun but now my world has died, drowned in an ocean of night.
I just wanted an eternity with you; I wish we could turn back time,
rewind and somehow make it all right again,
I wish with all my heart and might that you weren't gone.

Haunt Me.

An unmanned piano plays our song aggressively as though possessed.
I exhale and see my breath, it is colder than the Arctic in your absence.
The wind howls outside my window and I can swear it has your voice, it's calling me.
Like footsteps in an abandoned house, I am still haunted by you and me.
I have returned to hiding not wanting my presence to be known,
a phantom in this world desperate to be reunited with you, my soul.
Our tragedy replays in my head like a chilling horror movie scene,
my pain made me a monster although that is no excuse for the torment or abuse I put you through. Haunted by you now, our memories like graves of loved ones that died prematurely;
they line the cemetery that is my brain in rows that will never be complete.
No longer inhabited by human life that has ceased, our world succumbed to loneliness and is covered in disease.
Devoid of life, it starts to fall apart and decay;
all because you left me, why did you have to go away?
You haunt me in my dreams, my only nightmare is my reality.
Without you, silence has conquered me. I do not want to speak
for fear my words will deceive me by revealing my grief.
Thunderstorms and bones the only remnants of our love, eerie to accept that this is all that we have left.
You have haunted me, I cannot even sleep now that I am unwanted,
my demons have returned to devour me.
Knocks on my door though no one is there,
my heartbeat no longer races, as my lungs don't care for air.
Not even familiar faces could ease the misery that only responds to your company.
I am the sole occupant of this asylum in my head,
shock therapy could not even eliminate all this dread.
Haunt me, now that you have gone away, possess my every waking thought,
if it's the only way you can remain.
I needed you but I know I am to blame.
Haunted by you now, I will not let you hurt me by leaving.
I live in a world where you and I still coexist; I refuse to acknowledge that anything is amiss.
Craving your fingers, I could be disarmed by your kiss.
You will continue to haunt me as I sink further into this ill-conceived abyss.

Dementia.

Comedy is a comforting mask that helps me cope when I am encompassed by darkness that infects my world and paints it black.
I am imprisoned by my own thoughts, anxiety reveals its ugliness cheapening any sense of accomplishment that I might have.
I grip reality, desperately, so I am not pulled into the burning inferno underground that threatens to devour me whole; it is my personal Hell.
I do my best to embody my interpretation of normal, attempt to see things in a positive light despite my knowledge that my glass is broken, not half full.
My smile is as carefully constructed as a house of cards, one wrong move and all of me comes crashing down to the ground.
Tears well in the corner of my eyes as I question why but know that God works in mysterious ways. When will my sadness be replaced by my life that permanently remains on hold.
I wish I could hit rewind and return to the point where roads diverged;
I would choose wisely this time instead of chasing petulant dreams that have led me astray.
A wasted life, unfulfilled resulted in my idle mind.
Fragile paper heart of mine that rips apart time after time, my hard exterior guards shatter so often that they are scarred.
Tired of being a perpetual work in progress, I really need change like the Earth needs rain.
Resigned but resolute I will try to be resilient although it's become an arms race, imperative that I finally prove that I am brilliant.

Deadly.

The darkest parts of me screamed bloody murder, ignoring the truth that I deserved to be left high and dry. I accused God of abandonment, cursing my beloved as though I was devoid of fault or sin. My wrath wreaked havoc as it sought to exact revenge for events that only ever occurred inside my head. My vengeance more vain than Narcissus whose own reflection was responsible for his watery demise. A glutton for self indulgence, I feasted on your sanity until you were consumed then picked at your bones as if they were dessert. Envious of your ability to love, I would never admit that I aspired to taint it with my deep seated jealousy that was conceived long before you arrived. Like a sloth, lethargy atrophied every muscle in the body of us then assumed we'd survive instead of making any effort. Comatose, I chose to cope by sedating even the most faint glimmer of hope. Ravenous my eyes bewildered by lust as I grew infatuated with the mere idea of gaining then draining your trust. Lasciviously slobbering as if we were destined to be like the mark of the beast or contagion and disease. Like a cancerous growth, I maligned you from the inside out, until your sanity turned into psychosis. My greed to be the first man to destroy you became the fuel that sponsored my endeavour, I disparaged your landscape like inclement weather. My moods as inconsistent as seismic activity during an earthquake, they fluctuated as often as we say our own names in a single day. Forgive me father for I have sinned, our love became the eighth cardinal vice, the final nail in the coffin that robbed us of life. You walked through the valley of the shadow of death the moment you let go and let me steal your last breath.

Epiphany.

Discovering parts of me buried beneath years of neglect, dust covered heart rusty from disrespect. Empty for so long though I acted like I was full, spreading myself too thin, it's no surprise my soul craves attention. My ego prevented me from seeing the truth, facts that were as clear as starry nights in the country sky. Narcissistic exterior that refused to let me progress, excuses became the barriers that convoluted my fortress. I was the shepherd to a flock of sheep that were really scapegoats, blindly leading the blind, accountability could have been my antidote. Claimed to have no expectations but the demon inside me that would not be exorcised demanded forgiveness for its infatuation with lies. I pulled the veil further over my eyes and filled my ears with cotton that made me immune to others' pleas to be heard and not forgotten. Ignorance was so much easier than acceptance, I avoided every lesson that could have been my blessing. Escape became the only option that I considered, as any attempt to face the harshness of my existence had me embittered. Blame became the flames that ravaged my reason and I the skilled arsonist whose self-worth suffered third degree burns from his own treason. Death by firing squad armed with silver bullets would have even failed to penetrate the facade that I wore like a cure. I acted unconsciously always on edge and ready to attack, more than the most explosive chemicals in an unstable lab. I must accept my past now so that my present does not also slip through my fingers like sand. I will never taste a drop of success unless I address the remnants of the reality that I have repressed. No promises to please, inaction is my archnemesis. I will rescue my spirit and save it from the entity by which it has been possessed. It's time to remove the layers of bandages and learn to love the wounds now that I am naked and undressed.

Darkness.

There is a darkness inside me deeper than the Grand Canyon,
it yearns to be filled though almost nothing can.
Empty it remains, devoid of colour.
I know it's not a phase, this is who I've become.

Fell for everything, now nothing could make me stand.
Invested in it all, only to feel so second-hand.
Used by everyone, like the Earth stripped of its natural resources.
Blamed for all the heartbreak as though I am the apocalypse's horsemen.

Break ups and divorces filed under my name,
though all I really want is to feel the same.
My love is poison, the holy grail of death.
My sadness, an ocean, you cannot measure its depth.

Each whispered word becomes another promise that can't be kept.
I just want peace and happiness though my darkness will not permit it.
I am so lonely, the most deserted places even have more visitors.
My heart is stony, yet still brittle enough to easily break.

Harder and harder I search for a friend,
the quicker it becomes obvious that I was made to want for nothing.
Darkness is what defines me now as I wade in my own pool of gloom,
dreary as I write dear diary, right before I'm consumed by fear.

My cries for help unattended, so I sit and wait in vain,
anxiety overwhelms me as I let the darkness overpower me again.
Everything turns to black, as though ebony can only prevail.
Help me help myself and release the anchor weighing me down so that my ship can freely sail.

Misogyny.

Incongruent, incandescent, impolite as he took all he desired and then decided to reject it, slipping away into the night.  Such is the plight of our female counterparts sold into marriage like objects to be bargained with.  Females: though our mothers, sisters, daughters and nieces are solely seen for their beauty or measured by their usefulness.  This is patriarchal poison at play, whose toxins remain in society to this very day, as though the women that birth us are somehow weak and should be the cause for our own decay.  Centuries of subjugation have resulted in gender roles and norms that are as inconceivable as ogres and trolls.  Through conditioning at every level, girls grow into insecure women convinced that they are the devil.  Held hostage by semen which can only be supplied by male demons, at their behest; surprise, we suddenly become heathens.  In my ideal world, women would have the only power to decide their rights not the victims of misogyny disguised as religious doctrine.  The suffragettes accomplished some although chauvinists still hold the reins and write the laws, as they guffaw from the seats in city halls around the world, as though they can have any say in abortions or female reproductive organs.  Since the beginning of time man has had its hands in every purse, his voice heard whilst women were forced to whisper.  I demand an end to the injustice, imbalance will only continue if we do nothing and let it and then it will completely wreck us.

Baggage.

Sensitive to my environment, each change affects me like a sonic boom.
Try as I may to remain unchanged, I long to be as undetectable as a chameleon camouflaged to fit the background noise within a room.
Adaptability can be a gracious gift or a cancerous curse dependent on its antecedents.
Tension can be a landmine that exploded inside my head, the slightest exposure to it contains enough damage to poison me with lead and eradicate a lifetime of bliss.

Happiness is now only a fantasy as I have become destroyed by my apathy.
Sympathetic to others' needs though my own seem second-hand.
Misery is now the only magic carpet which I can ride through my wasteland.
Denial darkens every dream that I once had, now life is filled with despair.

Mind over matter cannot be achieved from thoughts that are comprised of idle chatter.
Anxiety eats at me as though my body is an incarcerated person's last lonely meal.
I arrived at the limit to your love, your heart became an empty vessel that refused to deliver leaving me unhindered.
I forgive you, all, a thousand times over knowing that it makes you smile though there is little room for me to remain inspired.

I forgive though every calculated move is remembered for an eternity; somehow each wound stubbornly insists on staying opened acting as a reminder that I was once broken.
My own empathy engulfs me and can sometimes be debilitating, my bleeding heart is endearing only when it's not revolting.
Each noise clamours inside me like atomic bombs and missiles dropped on me from unseen armies when I am really just desperate for silence.
As irritable as a sleeping dog barraged with children hounding it with rocks, when I blast off there's no bringing me back down to Earth.

I crave calmness like it is the antidote to the traffic jam terrorism that tries to stop me from staying afloat.
Each crash contains enough chaos to send me reeling again.
I spin aimlessly unknowing when I will stop but aware that it will destroy my sanity.
Every collision with its whiplash is accompanied with enough gasoline to create explosions that would be felt around the globe.

Every tremor can set me off as I am suddenly nearly drowned in tears from my created waterfalls.
I wear my abuse like a tattoo, one I never acquired on my own but cannot be removed.
This tattoo controls my life as I am reminded of it at the most inopportune times.
The devil's mark of scarlet letters would've been better preferred instead of this stain on my soul that can even make the worst of beautiful weather.

To discuss it or even allude to it makes me feel weak, like I seek pity yet this still remains the skyline of my humble city.
So I suffer in silence so as to not attract attention or be labelled as weak, although my mind contains many alleyways and streets that will never be seen or brought to light.
Darkness is their sole protection, some secrets, if repeated could make dynasties collapse and shut out the sun's light.

Paradise.

My love is taller than the Burj in Dubai
My love is wider than the great Mount Sinai
My love is older than China's Great Wall
My love is stronger than diamonds in Sierra Leone

Yet it's never enough;
you always ask for more.
Why does it have to be so tough?
Just believe in us so we can soar.

My love is more pious than the Sistine Chapel
My love is more hopeful than the prayers of a small child
My love is more courageous than the Trojan warriors
My love is more unconditional than all the mothers' in the world

Yet it still makes you question us;
as if we are much too weak and not enough.
Why do you take my truth as lies?
I'm yours, you're mine.  Like Paradise.

My love is taller than the Empire State
My love is stronger than the Golden Gate
My love is wiser than Egypt's Sphinx
My love is harder to climb than Everest

Yet you leaped over my love in a single bound
My awe has sealed our destinies now.
The lost garden of Eden is found
I'm yours, you're mine.  Like Paradise.

Au Naturel.

The way you love me is as natural to me as the symphony of my heartbeat.
As effortless as the ease with which your breath lulls me to sleep.
Passionate as the tempestuous tropical breeze,
your touch alone is enough to bring me crashing down to my knees
like the hungry oceans water shores playfully with samples of their seas.
I am always satisfied although my greed begs for you to return to me.
As natural as the birds and the bees, without your pollen my world would appear diseased.
Flowers bloom testament to your love's effects
as I can simply close my eyes and envision your fingers caressing my neck.
More natural than the oxygen we inhale from trees,
you take me back to the land before time when all was sweet.
Dehydrated in your absence, only your return can slake my thirst.
Your love is more natural to me than the sun rising in the east,
I can feel the sweet taboo of its heat
and I just want to burn from you in the west
until you set inside my arms, making our day complete.
As natural as the majestic mountain ranges spread throughout the Earth,
your love is strong enough to add value to my worth.
You are my rock, though you believe you are much too soft.
The only support I crave is from your hands entwined with mine
and from the feel of your lips pressed against my own.
Only more natural than our love is the insurmountable bliss
that is unleashed when you electrify me with the bliss
that resides within your perfect kiss.

Dirty Thirty: Revisited.

Each new day brings me closer to the dirty thirty, as I cannot help but reflect on the way it was supposed to be.  Expectation is truly the root of all heartache, with each failed expectation, one's heart is more susceptible to breaking.  

I could have been a doctor, traveling the world and bringing smiles and cures or even a lawyer, arguing for what is right and sometimes even wrong; I now cringe as I think of the prestige of it all.  

Instead, I am just a contender; my heart and head stronger than the muscles that line the bodies of any professional wrestler.  

My confidence propels me to new heights every single day.  Sometimes I falter and believe the voices in my head that tell me that I could never do better; those are the days that corrode me from the inside out.  

My ambition turns to rust - slowly - as I die another death with every hour that works against me like the poorly oiled gears in life's curious machine.  I run harder to catch myself, count to ten and try again, each breath requires incredible effort as though I am the land that has no command over the mountains that weigh it down and make it tremble. 

 I could have been a pilot, flying fancy free, feeling powerful navigating airplanes and jets over seas, as I reunite friends and family.  

But here I am instead, a boy whose life's path was led astray by his own dismay; my journey different yet still others often find no harm in questioning my ambition, being confused by my drive, like wondering why I am not the same will change the istagnant  sadness in my eyes.  

My battle is mine, this cross is my own to bear yet it becomes unfair when human nature has turned us into competitors waging wars with swords that become sharper the more that they compare.  

The damage already done, all we can do is pray; now that we are conditioned to condemn our fellow humans with labels which cause their self-worth to decay.  Rotting now is the hope that once lived, the faith in humanity scoured by the evil that exists.  

Time and again, I am forced to recall how much worse it could have been, humbled that somehow, I still have it all.  With every basic need of mine being met, I wonder who I am to complain about the uneasy restlessness that disparages my brain.  

My mind was once so pure and devoid of this self-doubt, I was long able to silence others' discouraging shouts; I believed in myself, knowing that I was the master of my domain and then it hit me again, like a derailed passenger train.  Now, I hungrily cling to even the faintest glimmer of hope; desperate for my story to be told as one of triumph and not revolt. 

Closer to thirty, yet useless by society's standards though I know the truth and realize I am more of a man than most.  

I have come eye to eye with death and laughed right  in its face, built myself up from ground zero and made an exultant return to grace.  

Richer than the wealthiest men alive, from the experiences that have added wrinkles in the corners of my eyes, like notches in watches that measure passing time.  

With time, comes healing, responsibility and wisdom, despite the trials I have endured and the seemingly little that I have accomplished, I know that I am far from loathsome.  

Dirty thirty inches closer daily but I know that I am growing; one look at me, and the world will see that I am positively glowing

Fear & Loathing in Toronto.

Fear steals sleep like a thief in the night as it strives to rob us of our security.  It condemns us to a lifetime imprisoned by questions of whether we are worthy; our own insecurities the ruthless wardens that deprive us of our identity.  Worry, like a blade sharpened by time prevails over the strength of mankind, though it should be held accountable and indicted for the stress that is its greatest crime.  Risks were taken throughout history by Genghis Khan and other conquerors of yore, but now our leaders are engaged in wars that solely result in remorse.  Conflicts are concealed in all of our false utterances, driven by the apprehension that the truth is a disturbance that should be restricted to our own internal monologues.  Ulterior motives litter the landscapes of our interactions resulting in sadness tainted by all the things we should and could have said.  Unsurety gnaws at our resolves as we become increasingly indecisive, our inner voices silenced as though insight is a force that we should fight with.  Paranoia is a poison that preys on us through infection; plotting against us armed with anxiety, which often unleashes a fury more terrifying than dragons.  Its fiery breath a terror plot more fearsome than the deadliest weapon of mass destruction.  As we become further consumed by our own embellished imperfections, through gritted teeth we disregard that we are blessed.  Fear, a fierce but critical and fatal disease, equipped with the strength to make us fall to our knees.  Cowardice gained the confidence to invade all of the continents, more densely populated than the courage that could conquer it.  Free-will rendered obsolete as humanity has collapsed under the weight of ignorance, our collective reins now held by false notions of democracy, which tightens its grip upon its leash around our necks composed of hypocrisy.  Fear, the greatest tyrant reigns over us as we look over our shoulders terrorized by the unknown.  Alarms blare when we are threatened, with greater power the more we feel we stand to lose, as we remain unaware that our own fortunes are the breeding grounds for guilty consciences.  Yet still we are often quick to deny that this path was ours to choose.  Fear, the most skilled opponent, once mastered does not need to be a mystery.  I renege on my promise to be afraid, fear will no longer get the best of me, I refuse to live without being alive, as I am reclaiming my right to be happy.

Distinct.

Belittled for so long by my own bitterness, each step in the right direction led me right to failure's dreary doorstep.  Success kept me at bay, its no vacancy sign was a thorn in my side every time.  Through comparing myself to every other living creature, the contrast too strong to handle; so I trembled, giving in to my fears of inadequacy instead.  I tried, strived, then thrived for so long in vain as I refused to acknowledge the demons that denied me of my rest.  Bereft, each right turn was all that I had left.  Rock bottom blues of mine had become my only friends in the most difficult of times, as I cried for salvation and begged for relief, each feeble attempt was never met with reprieve.  Life became a wizard that charmed me with the many tricks hidden inside its sleeves as I became hypnotized by all the ways that I could be detrimental to me.  Like Snow White's wicked queen, I sought out to eradicate all of my own beauty.  Poisons and spells, elixirs and pills all conspired against me making me ill.  Jaded as I convinced myself that waking up was the hardest part, that somehow each day was a battle as I forgot to focus on the bigger picture; the masterpiece that I could have been although I would not put in the effort needed to get better.  Suddenly, it all became too much.  I desperately reached for the gasoline that would enrage my fire, naively believing that it was what would put out the flames that fed on my fears and were satiated with my sorrow.  I had enough and filed a restraining order against the part of me that prayed for death.  My weakness resided inside of me all along, and just needed to be acknowledged.  I had to finally accept that I was all that was making me sick; I was the cause of it and the effect was making me derelict.  My pain, although immense, was still not enough to make me end as it became clear as perfect vision that all I needed was to mend by becoming my own best friend.  I pulled up my sleeves, hopefully for the last time, and promised to conquer my own infatuation with defeat.  I became a martyr for my own cause, choosing to die instead of continuing to live propelled by the lie that I was okay when I was reeling with hurt and confused as I could not see that it was solely I that was to blame.  I will rise, stronger as I do, always better than the last version of myself that I shed like snakeskin in the Sahara.  I will persevere, prevail like the tigers forced to relocate because of mankind but continue to fight to stay alive.  No, I will not become endangered although I have tried too many times to make myself extinct.  On the very brink of rescue as I thank God above for giving me another chance to clearly think about the many ways I am beautiful; I count my blessings, once again, for I have been reminded that I am distinct.

Test.

I wanted gold but got coal instead, desired diamonds but you silenced me with slices of bread.  I asked for the world because I deserved it on a silver platter, you chose to disregard my demands, distracting me with idle chatter.  I learned to expect nothing so that I would appreciate everything, feeling entitled only increased my suffering.  Burdened by wants that centred on material goods, rotted my heart like termites feeding on wood.   I had to accept that rubies and rhinestones could never replace the attention that I so desperately craved. Little blue boxes or blue diamond pills were no match for the thrill of being fulfilled.  Swept away by the superficial which eventually lost their ability to impress as I lost sight of my self-respect, turning around to retrace my steps.  I silently slipped by the moments in our past where I felt bereft, the same moments I repressed my sadness convincing myself I was content.  I traipsed past the torment that turned me into this subdued version of me, the same terror that made me settle by assuming that I was happy.  Liberty deferred for promises of trips around the globe, as though I was a bare naked doll that needed to be clothed.  You can keep your sorrow, invest in your own guilt, as I work quickly to remove every brick by boring brick of the house that your false promises built. Deserted like the Sahara, Mojave or Gobi, you claimed to love me, yet like rain, your absence proved you were not meant for me.  I thought you were a jewel though you  were hardly even a gem, as common as copper pennies that are now condemned.  Obsolete now, you took your leave long before I let go, so I must rebuild my walls, you will burn like the heat from a thousand suns from my success.  I will not look back, never, as I learn to accept that this was all just a test.

Absence.

Subtle silhouettes that suggested how life could have been, examples that evoked images of a future so serene.  With or without you, I was destined to be happy, the greatest revenge I can deliver is my own apathy.  Not heartless, though I have learned to use my heart less, not cold although my insides are as frigid as the Arctic.  Predisposed to ugliness, I have come to expect the worst from all.  Humanity has become as mythical a concept as lost continents or Utopian waterfalls. Despite all this, I just wanted to grow with you, ignoring your penchant for inertia.  One look was all it took for me to see that love had lost again.  You stuttered, rambling about things that made little to no sense.  Claimed that leaving me was for my own good, that my happiness was your number one concern as though we shared a brain and somehow you had the right to state that I was not at peace.  Your cowardice cut deeper than any sword could ever cause me harm.  I took a chance on you only to discover that I was being used.  My life had made loyalty and strength two of my greatest allies, whilst yours clearly taught you to run and hide when skies were gray.  How can one that fears his own shadow provide comfort to one who has no fear at all?  You would retreat from the slightest hint of conflict, immediately burying your head into the sand.  Your weakness became a problem when it became clear as fresh water lakes that you would never be armed to fight for anything that was right.  Not a man but a mouse, nor a boy but a clown.  The kind of leopard that changed its spots so frequently, consistency an enemy that you chose of your own accord.  I had enough, so I wrung my hands, lifted my chin and took my leave.  In your absence, although slightly empty, I am rediscovering the joys of me.  My integrity prevents me from losing sight of my morality; my goals, although important, would not allow for me to step on anybody's toes to reach the top.  A king among men, I am, although my humility permitted me to parlay with mere peasants.  In your absence, I am gold; the void you have left will not be hard to fill.  

Battlefield.

All affection abolished, removed from me as it had become obsolete.  Assassinated now though we were allies once, you shot the arrow that sealed my dreary fate.  Invaded by darkness, every blind turn leads to destruction.  The deserts are filled with life when compared to the desolation that has devoured my wasteland, preying on it from every angle until it was barren.  Annihilated by my own insecurities, even the most remote glimmer of hope becomes a welcome distraction from my despair.  Forced to fight, though you chose to flee, the greatest difference between you and I was your fear.  You left me stranded as you pulled away, creating excuses that were ambiguous and unfair.  Beads of sweat dance on my brow, the sweltering heat from the fire burning voraciously inside me is the light that guides my way when it's pitch black and I am rendered blind.  I walk through the valley of the shadow of death unperturbed by the misery reflected within, as I have been desensitized in a sense by my own rejection of attachment.  Impermanence infects everything from ice that melts leaving behind a watery trail to the loved ones that support us without fail.  Nothing is forever as everything changes and falls apart, all good things must come to an end yet still it's always better to have loved and lost than not at all.  A heart devoid of love is like a soul sabotaged by strife, like the stars without their light, or the unexamined life.  Trust teetered between us as you had never learned to love yourself; blaming yourself for my detriment as though I was only conceived when we first met.  A lifetime of longing was ultimately highly lacking in that it only led me to cross your pitiful path.  Love does not turn away, it grabs a sword and prepares for battle.  My love is never led astray, it perseveres until it crosses the finish line every single time, until all hail the victorious.  Unwavering, flawed but I do not falter as I accept that I am infallible and prone to making mistakes from which I always learn.  The pages of our feigned fairy tale romance seared, caught fire then burned leaving nothing but ashes; each ember testament to the truth that we were never meant to be.  With charred fingers from holding hands that singed every time they touched, I search the remnants of us scattered throughout a cemetery devoted to our rotten love.  I became an impediment to you, a mere thorn you so easily pulled from your side.  Deserted again, as I must now take in stride the anguish that accompanies being repeatedly denied.

Bloodsexmagic.

                     


I do handstands right before I run circles around you, leave you in a daze; you have no idea what has come over you.  Hypnotized by me, I have you eating out of the palm of my hand.  Wrapped around my finger, tightly, though it's your own blood that refuses to circulate.  As you grow more dizzy, the endorphins rushing to your head, I fool you once, twice, three times until you beg for me to stop playing with your heart and leave you dead.  You should have just finished what you decided to start.  Your vulnerability will never be a match for my wizardry, I mystify you with my magic, entrance you with my eyes.  Bewitch you with my wickedness, it's time you pay your price.  I should've trusted my instinct and been the opposite of nice. I can convince myself it was all an illusion, that you have always been despised.  Vilified with voodoo, highly trained in the dark arts, a few words are all it takes for me to have you under my spell.  I curse the day that you crossed my path, more ominous than black cats or broken mirrors.  The evil eye surrounds you, which is why you were rotten to your core.  Once I would have done anything for you, like a Genie, every single wish of yours was my command until I came to my senses and the smoke cleared, revealing your deceptive master plans.  Abracadabra, I wave my wand and poof, you disappear from plain sight.  Hocus pocus, double double toil and trouble and similar words were my mantra behind the veil of restless nights.  Beguiled by your charm, I danced like a snake to the melody of your horn, coming face to face with harm.  My alchemy was too powerful for your cunning attempts to get the best of me.  You believed every enchanted word that slipped through my seductive lips, not logical but supernatural, our love succumbed to your doubts by which they were eclipsed.  Now you see it, now you don't love that was prone to ups and downs, presto change-o, as our luck dried out, karma will get you now.

Double Standard.

You played love intoxicating me like rain's melody until it became evident that you just wanted to get the best of me.  Double standard love that cut like a sword sharpened on both sides, the hypocrisy of your theories shone brightly as you chose to run and hide.  Instead of support, you offered me the coldest shoulder, oh how it froze.  Your cowardice could kill even the most callous rose.  I gave and gave of me, until my body was just skin, bones and sinews; you took, fed hungrily of me, until there was nothing left for you to grab on to.  It was then you turned and left, claiming that it was for the best; told me what you think I ought to do as though the cure can come so easily.  Easier said than done, my friend, your abandonment has made you my enemy.  I have survived much harder harder falls, always landing on my feet; you lacked the ingredients to make my recipe complete.  Turn the other cheek, avert your gaze if we see one another in the streets, for you have shown me new versions of deceit.  Insecure as you were, our downfall was entirely attributed to me, as though I was a tyrant whose misery depended on your company.  Without any accountability, you turned away and then still naively believed we could remain in love; although my love is unconditional, I will not be anybody's fool.  You used then deserted me, yet through the haze of your vanity, you fail to see that you were calculatedly cruel.  Good riddance to you, this is but a splinter in my side, once removed, I will return to living my magnificent life.  Lucky you, count your blessings for having a chance with me, a hard act to follow, surely any successors will taste failure and defeat.

Besieged.

The stars illuminated the sky, shining brighter than I had ever seen, though my innocence prevented me from suspecting they were warning me.  I lay my head down and slipped into the sweetest sleep before I was deceived by my own dreams.  In my deep slumber, I was oblivious to your men scaling my castle walls.  First there were two, then ten, then fifty armed men, ready to risk their lives until my fortress fell.  Your cowardice compelled you to attack with the moon as your accomplice, though even twilight could not conceal your poor sportsmanship.  Under siege under the stars with all of my knights in their beds, you set fire to my vulnerability then watched as my world burned.  I was forced awake as smoke filled my lungs, gasping for air as I became aware of your invasion.  My pride and stubbornness refused to be taken down without a fight, as I became more alert with every moment of that critical night.  Your cruel crusade was no match for my logic or reason, as I rounded up my men, determined to crucify you for your treason.  I will not be violated by one so weak and especially not whilst I am asleep.  You underestimated me for the last time and now I will show you what sets us apart.  With all of your support captured by mine, I search for you wildly through the inferno that ravages my home.  I find you cowering in fear, the most pitiful sight I have ever seen.  Your nature is exposed, only deserving of sympathy.  I set you free, for you are already imprisoned by your fear to live.

Haunted.

I wonder where you are and what you’re doing, curious to know who’s loving you.
You invade my thoughts pervasively without warning, like an atomic bomb, each memory annihilates the landscape of my serenity.  I suppress my urge to reminisce about your cancerous kiss, now convinced that we were never meant to be.  The chemicals between us reacted so violently, that every turn led us to catastrophe.  Infiltrated by images of you, my sanity becomes diseased.  Deflated, I died a thousand times with you, tolerated your abuse for far too long.  Yet still the burning question remains of how I could still care for you, an emotion whose guilt cuts me like a guillotine.  Held hostage by the hostility that has locked itself inside my head and thrown away the key, your misery preferred my company.  Freedom from you is my fondest dream, a fantasy so frequent that it feels like reality though the truth remains that your toxicity infected my bloodstream.  Critically ill now as I slip in and out of consciousness, as my heart hopes that I imagined you and that you did not exist.  I close my eyes for the last time with eternal sunshine in my newly spotless mind, you have been erased as my elated soul floats up to outer space.