Test.

I wanted gold but got coal instead, desired diamonds but you silenced me with slices of bread.  I asked for the world because I deserved it on a silver platter, you chose to disregard my demands, distracting me with idle chatter.  I learned to expect nothing so that I would appreciate everything, feeling entitled only increased my suffering.  Burdened by wants that centred on material goods, rotted my heart like termites feeding on wood.   I had to accept that rubies and rhinestones could never replace the attention that I so desperately craved. Little blue boxes or blue diamond pills were no match for the thrill of being fulfilled.  Swept away by the superficial which eventually lost their ability to impress as I lost sight of my self-respect, turning around to retrace my steps.  I silently slipped by the moments in our past where I felt bereft, the same moments I repressed my sadness convincing myself I was content.  I traipsed past the torment that turned me into this subdued version of me, the same terror that made me settle by assuming that I was happy.  Liberty deferred for promises of trips around the globe, as though I was a bare naked doll that needed to be clothed.  You can keep your sorrow, invest in your own guilt, as I work quickly to remove every brick by boring brick of the house that your false promises built. Deserted like the Sahara, Mojave or Gobi, you claimed to love me, yet like rain, your absence proved you were not meant for me.  I thought you were a jewel though you  were hardly even a gem, as common as copper pennies that are now condemned.  Obsolete now, you took your leave long before I let go, so I must rebuild my walls, you will burn like the heat from a thousand suns from my success.  I will not look back, never, as I learn to accept that this was all just a test.

Absence.

Subtle silhouettes that suggested how life could have been, examples that evoked images of a future so serene.  With or without you, I was destined to be happy, the greatest revenge I can deliver is my own apathy.  Not heartless, though I have learned to use my heart less, not cold although my insides are as frigid as the Arctic.  Predisposed to ugliness, I have come to expect the worst from all.  Humanity has become as mythical a concept as lost continents or Utopian waterfalls. Despite all this, I just wanted to grow with you, ignoring your penchant for inertia.  One look was all it took for me to see that love had lost again.  You stuttered, rambling about things that made little to no sense.  Claimed that leaving me was for my own good, that my happiness was your number one concern as though we shared a brain and somehow you had the right to state that I was not at peace.  Your cowardice cut deeper than any sword could ever cause me harm.  I took a chance on you only to discover that I was being used.  My life had made loyalty and strength two of my greatest allies, whilst yours clearly taught you to run and hide when skies were gray.  How can one that fears his own shadow provide comfort to one who has no fear at all?  You would retreat from the slightest hint of conflict, immediately burying your head into the sand.  Your weakness became a problem when it became clear as fresh water lakes that you would never be armed to fight for anything that was right.  Not a man but a mouse, nor a boy but a clown.  The kind of leopard that changed its spots so frequently, consistency an enemy that you chose of your own accord.  I had enough, so I wrung my hands, lifted my chin and took my leave.  In your absence, although slightly empty, I am rediscovering the joys of me.  My integrity prevents me from losing sight of my morality; my goals, although important, would not allow for me to step on anybody's toes to reach the top.  A king among men, I am, although my humility permitted me to parlay with mere peasants.  In your absence, I am gold; the void you have left will not be hard to fill.  

Battlefield.

All affection abolished, removed from me as it had become obsolete.  Assassinated now though we were allies once, you shot the arrow that sealed my dreary fate.  Invaded by darkness, every blind turn leads to destruction.  The deserts are filled with life when compared to the desolation that has devoured my wasteland, preying on it from every angle until it was barren.  Annihilated by my own insecurities, even the most remote glimmer of hope becomes a welcome distraction from my despair.  Forced to fight, though you chose to flee, the greatest difference between you and I was your fear.  You left me stranded as you pulled away, creating excuses that were ambiguous and unfair.  Beads of sweat dance on my brow, the sweltering heat from the fire burning voraciously inside me is the light that guides my way when it's pitch black and I am rendered blind.  I walk through the valley of the shadow of death unperturbed by the misery reflected within, as I have been desensitized in a sense by my own rejection of attachment.  Impermanence infects everything from ice that melts leaving behind a watery trail to the loved ones that support us without fail.  Nothing is forever as everything changes and falls apart, all good things must come to an end yet still it's always better to have loved and lost than not at all.  A heart devoid of love is like a soul sabotaged by strife, like the stars without their light, or the unexamined life.  Trust teetered between us as you had never learned to love yourself; blaming yourself for my detriment as though I was only conceived when we first met.  A lifetime of longing was ultimately highly lacking in that it only led me to cross your pitiful path.  Love does not turn away, it grabs a sword and prepares for battle.  My love is never led astray, it perseveres until it crosses the finish line every single time, until all hail the victorious.  Unwavering, flawed but I do not falter as I accept that I am infallible and prone to making mistakes from which I always learn.  The pages of our feigned fairy tale romance seared, caught fire then burned leaving nothing but ashes; each ember testament to the truth that we were never meant to be.  With charred fingers from holding hands that singed every time they touched, I search the remnants of us scattered throughout a cemetery devoted to our rotten love.  I became an impediment to you, a mere thorn you so easily pulled from your side.  Deserted again, as I must now take in stride the anguish that accompanies being repeatedly denied.

Bloodsexmagic.

                     


I do handstands right before I run circles around you, leave you in a daze; you have no idea what has come over you.  Hypnotized by me, I have you eating out of the palm of my hand.  Wrapped around my finger, tightly, though it's your own blood that refuses to circulate.  As you grow more dizzy, the endorphins rushing to your head, I fool you once, twice, three times until you beg for me to stop playing with your heart and leave you dead.  You should have just finished what you decided to start.  Your vulnerability will never be a match for my wizardry, I mystify you with my magic, entrance you with my eyes.  Bewitch you with my wickedness, it's time you pay your price.  I should've trusted my instinct and been the opposite of nice. I can convince myself it was all an illusion, that you have always been despised.  Vilified with voodoo, highly trained in the dark arts, a few words are all it takes for me to have you under my spell.  I curse the day that you crossed my path, more ominous than black cats or broken mirrors.  The evil eye surrounds you, which is why you were rotten to your core.  Once I would have done anything for you, like a Genie, every single wish of yours was my command until I came to my senses and the smoke cleared, revealing your deceptive master plans.  Abracadabra, I wave my wand and poof, you disappear from plain sight.  Hocus pocus, double double toil and trouble and similar words were my mantra behind the veil of restless nights.  Beguiled by your charm, I danced like a snake to the melody of your horn, coming face to face with harm.  My alchemy was too powerful for your cunning attempts to get the best of me.  You believed every enchanted word that slipped through my seductive lips, not logical but supernatural, our love succumbed to your doubts by which they were eclipsed.  Now you see it, now you don't love that was prone to ups and downs, presto change-o, as our luck dried out, karma will get you now.

Double Standard.

You played love intoxicating me like rain's melody until it became evident that you just wanted to get the best of me.  Double standard love that cut like a sword sharpened on both sides, the hypocrisy of your theories shone brightly as you chose to run and hide.  Instead of support, you offered me the coldest shoulder, oh how it froze.  Your cowardice could kill even the most callous rose.  I gave and gave of me, until my body was just skin, bones and sinews; you took, fed hungrily of me, until there was nothing left for you to grab on to.  It was then you turned and left, claiming that it was for the best; told me what you think I ought to do as though the cure can come so easily.  Easier said than done, my friend, your abandonment has made you my enemy.  I have survived much harder harder falls, always landing on my feet; you lacked the ingredients to make my recipe complete.  Turn the other cheek, avert your gaze if we see one another in the streets, for you have shown me new versions of deceit.  Insecure as you were, our downfall was entirely attributed to me, as though I was a tyrant whose misery depended on your company.  Without any accountability, you turned away and then still naively believed we could remain in love; although my love is unconditional, I will not be anybody's fool.  You used then deserted me, yet through the haze of your vanity, you fail to see that you were calculatedly cruel.  Good riddance to you, this is but a splinter in my side, once removed, I will return to living my magnificent life.  Lucky you, count your blessings for having a chance with me, a hard act to follow, surely any successors will taste failure and defeat.

Besieged.

The stars illuminated the sky, shining brighter than I had ever seen, though my innocence prevented me from suspecting they were warning me.  I lay my head down and slipped into the sweetest sleep before I was deceived by my own dreams.  In my deep slumber, I was oblivious to your men scaling my castle walls.  First there were two, then ten, then fifty armed men, ready to risk their lives until my fortress fell.  Your cowardice compelled you to attack with the moon as your accomplice, though even twilight could not conceal your poor sportsmanship.  Under siege under the stars with all of my knights in their beds, you set fire to my vulnerability then watched as my world burned.  I was forced awake as smoke filled my lungs, gasping for air as I became aware of your invasion.  My pride and stubbornness refused to be taken down without a fight, as I became more alert with every moment of that critical night.  Your cruel crusade was no match for my logic or reason, as I rounded up my men, determined to crucify you for your treason.  I will not be violated by one so weak and especially not whilst I am asleep.  You underestimated me for the last time and now I will show you what sets us apart.  With all of your support captured by mine, I search for you wildly through the inferno that ravages my home.  I find you cowering in fear, the most pitiful sight I have ever seen.  Your nature is exposed, only deserving of sympathy.  I set you free, for you are already imprisoned by your fear to live.

Haunted.

I wonder where you are and what you’re doing, curious to know who’s loving you.
You invade my thoughts pervasively without warning, like an atomic bomb, each memory annihilates the landscape of my serenity.  I suppress my urge to reminisce about your cancerous kiss, now convinced that we were never meant to be.  The chemicals between us reacted so violently, that every turn led us to catastrophe.  Infiltrated by images of you, my sanity becomes diseased.  Deflated, I died a thousand times with you, tolerated your abuse for far too long.  Yet still the burning question remains of how I could still care for you, an emotion whose guilt cuts me like a guillotine.  Held hostage by the hostility that has locked itself inside my head and thrown away the key, your misery preferred my company.  Freedom from you is my fondest dream, a fantasy so frequent that it feels like reality though the truth remains that your toxicity infected my bloodstream.  Critically ill now as I slip in and out of consciousness, as my heart hopes that I imagined you and that you did not exist.  I close my eyes for the last time with eternal sunshine in my newly spotless mind, you have been erased as my elated soul floats up to outer space.

Ignorance.

I search the playgrounds of my past, distraught, hoping to locate the innocence I somehow lost.  I grieve for the little boy that believed mankind was inherently good.  In my rush to grow up, I raced through my childhood, though I now hunger for the purity that I shed too soon, replaced by the maturity which I had misunderstood.  Once I was exposed to the evil that has always coexisted in the world, my heart hardened unwilling to accept that I was now a flightless bird.  Subjected to abuse in every form, I began to think that I was solely capable of being scorned.  I would bathe in the hopes that my disdain would be swallowed by the drain; my contempt corroded my faith in humanity, as I allowed myself to be overcome by the darkness inside of me.  Instances of injustice around the world threw me over the edge, as I mourned for my innocence that was now dead.  Powerless, I conformed to the ugliness that surrounded me, hostility and hatred worked hand in hand to devour me behind the scenes.  I became a product of my perceived environment, lashing out with anger at anyone that pleaded for me to let them in.  The fire in my heart raged on destroying everything that got in its way; my conflict with myself escalated into a war with many casualties.  My soul was restless as it tried many times to escape, desperate for the innocence I left behind so long ago.   Estranged from love, I was now barren yet my ire continued to grow.  My infertile mind refused to fathom that any semblance of good could possibly remain despite all of the famine, greed and disease by which our hearts were stained.   Imprisoned by my inability to admit that good and bad were subjective terms, I obsessed about the extinction of morality and ethics.  Hypnotized by the media’s propagated portrayal of the disastrous and tragic, I was inconsolable as I questioned whether our problems would ever be fixed.  Suddenly I heard a voice as faint as falling snow reminding me to look deeper and find the helpers.  Incredulous that my conscience had stayed despite my relentless desire for detriment, I accepted its advice and set out in search of evidence that beauty still remained.  On my quest for good, I became amazed by foreign aides that emanated love like saints; humbled by humanitarians and helpers united by their desire to end world pain.  Grasping tightly onto these glimmers of light that illuminated the dark, my blackened heart was slowly becoming vibrant as I witnessed acts of unconditional love.  Through terrorism and torture, trials and torment, there was still love and light though good was overlooked replaced by tragedy.  With every disaster, I remember that there are always altruists that aim to ease the endless sorrow; with every evil act, many unite to ensure it is the last.    The innocence I lost made me wiser in the end, as it equipped me with the same objectivity that I employ with family, foe or friend.

Asceticism.

With each breath it becomes clearer that I have only now just started to live, ungrateful for so long, each day arrived and left with my unwillingness to accept that one of them could be my last.  I lived in the playgrounds of my past and in the fantasies of my future as though the present was a hindrance to the dreams of days that may never even arrive.  On auto-pilot as I raced towards false notions of success, failing to appreciate the beauty passing by in my rear view.  The gift of life, itself, was collecting dust from neglect forgotten on a shelf, ignored as I chased material possessions that I believed would define my worth. Mansions and Mercedes revered more than nature in all its glory, as the pages of my life were filled with greed, until encountering the worst and best of humanity helped me rewrite my story.  Seeing third world poverty up close helped wake me up, as I was conditioned to think having nothing was a tragedy; until I looked closer and realized that devoid of wealth, these people were far happier than the richest men that I have met.  We are programmed to reach higher, strive for more even when our cup is overflowing; this ideology breeds an endless cycle of dissatisfaction.  Never happy because we are taught to try harder than we already have, we begin to self-destruct under the incredible weight of inadequacy.  We idealize the elite for the fortunes they have amassed, and criticize the weak for the success they seem to lack.  Asceticism is no match for the American dream that is in reality a nightmare, the false promise of wealth for all leaves us oppressed and unhappy.  I was merely content for far too long, fixated on fame at any cost; the reminder of my own mortality through loss was all it took to remind me of the many ways in which I am blessed.  To forget the miracle of life, that we essentially die every night to be revived by the sunlight or that every atom inside of me has a purpose that my ego chose to deny.  The only guarantee we have is that our hearts will one day beat no more, each new day that I am revived fills me with awe and gratitude for having been reborn.

Infidelity.

Once a player always a player, they say, as though repeating this sentiment somehow makes it true. Similarly, old dogs and new tricks are a match made in Hell. It then becomes no surprise that so many of us fail, as society centres on concepts that leave little room for repentance. Why would a leopard attempt to change when its spots are permanent, when it can just resign to its fate instead? Change can only occur when coupled with a desire so strong it could move mountains. Growth is possible if we accept our flaws and then still humbly strive to blossom. We are reminded so often that we cannot transcend that this self-fulfilling prophecy leaves little room to make amends.  The cowardice of cheaters is worse than any other disease, in that it ravages trust so badly that it could reduce even the hardest stones to dust.  The focus is misplaced as every part of the act itself is scrutinized, when the antecedents or emotions involved are ignored, as though they are unworthy of being analyzed.  As someone who has been unfaithful in the past, I can attest that the razor sharp guilt that comes with it results in too many sleepless nights.  The fights that develop could all have been avoided if communication had not died, if only the flame of love had stayed alive.  We ultimately decide whether we want to stray from honesty, the masters of our own domains, we have the choice to honour our promise of monogamy.  The social death that occurs from the act is akin to being excommunicated; as though, isolation is the only way for our sin to be redeemed.  A witch hunt of sorts ensues whose only goal is execution as if we must be burned at the stake for being unable to learn from our mistakes.  Evolution has been proven if we can break free from the prison of our own thoughts; life has provided us with a wonderful opportunity to learn.  I will not be broken by the disproval of peers or society as I have learned to rise above, opting to change my ways instead.  Free from the reins of dishonesty, I have reached a level of bliss that my past could never have achieved.  I am inaccessible to infidelity as the examination of my suffering showed me the path to righteousness.  Honesty is now the only foundation upon which I would ever build a home, as openness in love and life rarely result in hearts broken by lascivious lust.  Society chastised me by perpetuating proverbs that wanted for me to fail; my resilience on my journey to understand myself is what finally helped me prevail.