Vanilla Sky.

No longer searching for validation in the faces of foes that are dead behind the eyes, I have grown stronger than ever before, as I realize that a new moon will always rise in my vanilla sky. Although my horizon may have gone grim, growing greyer upon each further glance, I am slowly learning to accept fate, and leave the rest to pomp and circumstance. Creatures of the night, that I once called friends, have become caricatures of themselves; my time alone, and new found inner strength have aided me on my never-ending journey to discover where my dreams now dwell. Enticed and exhilarated, I now see that I am able to pull through and endure, things that others have only feared in the past, I am no longer the curse, but instead, I hold the keys that will unlock the cure. Sycophants sullenly seek to silence the sunrise behind my eyes, flattery once got them everywhere but now I see through the endless lies. Grandiosity, delusions, and schizophrenic rants and raves, will soon be the hieroglyphics of my archaic past that will be found by future generations inside their caves. Brilliance attempted to befriend me, but I chose the beauty that my eyes beheld, your demons and their witchery were the reasons that even I became be-spelled. Resplendent cacophonies and their musicality that dances inside my mind, remind me of the melodies that met misery; envious, and always unkind. Religion ridiculed me, rained rabidly on my head, but I fraudulently remained to fight, choosing flight instead. Nurture was my nature, Freud was speechless when he met me as well; Marxism sealed the deal, and sent me sailing towards my own socialistic Hell. I conveniently knew how to lie, and thus play the game by the time I had turned six, whilst all the other little girls and boys were still teeming with excitement over mindless magic tricks. Faster than the speed of light, my neutrinos never fail to awe or shock, I am increasingly unlocking my own happiness, and finding the shepherd that will lead my fallen flock. Brick by boring brick, I beam as I build myself a new life, devoid of negativity, embedded with empathy, and full of the fluorescence achieved without a single drop or slice of sombre strife. I aim for immortality injected directly into my veins, the infinite energy will be the building blocks and foundation of my new brain. Another Earth parallel to the universe that exists inside my soul, will be the guidance that I need to heal, and regenerate so I can prosper, and regain securely stable self control.

Paradigm Shift.

I sit and stare in wonderment, contemplating all the things that could have been, although my own stubbornness prevented me from attaining the joys that I had seen, in dreams. The foolishness inside flickered, went out without a fight, as I crawled through the dark, stumbling, suffocating searching for the light. I am the only thing that stands in my own way, my own worst critic, harshest on the coldest days. I cringe and cower at the concept of a life without conflict, the grass is always greener on the other side as mine always appears to look unfit. I refuse to accept the happiness and bliss that I know I truly deserve, choosing instead to live in a state of constant suffering, internalizing all of the sadness that I observe. The wails inside tremor, shake me like earthquakes of the worst magnitude, as I build up my walls higher, hoping to gain clarity at a greater altitude. Impenetrable fortress that I am, no man will ever break me again, but only because I am my own worst enemy, and will not allow my heart to detach itself from my brain. I protect love with my head, using insight, and logic instead; rationalizing reason though it still rages ravenously and dyes my insides bloody red. Once I accept love and light into my life, I know that I will stand taller than the rest, but until that moment arrives, I will remain cursed by the demons from my past that demean me and do not let me become blessed. Negative energy that surrounds me, will not flow freely and stays trapped inside my chest, berating, and blaming me for leaving it unaddressed. Blackened eyes to match my heart, bruised and battered from the start, I will make the change I need to depart from this mindset that cages my most chaotic, and creative art. Growing up, I gain myself, on my own, alone but never lonely, I am really the only one that can stop myself from feeling so languid, and lecherously lowly. Glorious, ghoulish death that pokes, and prods at me with its cold and bony fingers, greets me by gossiping about me, staying slightly out of sight, although it always lingers. I welcome it with open arms and accept that this might really be the end, by giving up, I am letting go, my paradigm shifts preparing me to take the final steps needed in order to truly mend. I will do it all differently, this time, I will actually become my own best friend, turn the hands of time forward, not back, as I ready myself internally to transcend; I am on the road to recovery, on a path that meanders, giving me the means to finally make amends and mend.

Renewed.

Your affected, infection laced ignorance will not function anymore, as you assume that all will forever be forgiven, yet you conveniently forget what we were even fighting for. I gave you many chances, danced for you, and helped you advance. I held your hand through your darkest hour only to become the recipient of your bad romance. Entranced, I stared into your starry eyes hoping you would whisk me away into the sky, only to realize that you were faking it this whole time, choke back your tears, say goodbye, I refuse to remain your greatest war crime. Your Hitler hail can no longer sear my skin, falling from the Heavens only to cover me in sin. You coveted the key to these chains that bound me to your acid rain, bathed me in blisters, that denoted disdain. Virulent vengeance and the vanity it wanted to veer, made it crystal clear that you congealed the bloody cross that I once held so dear. I can play at happy, plaster a smile on my face, and pretend that it is all okay but petulant pretenses in a world so grey only lead to deprivation, demise, and one's decay. I rise from the ashes of our house that you burned down to the ground, soar into the skies, no longer lost but instead profound. The cheery disposition I once maintained has returned, no cause for concern, a new leaf has turned. One was thought to be the loneliest number, but we are two of a kind like the flickering flecks of sun that often get ignored, and then left behind. We are not too different from the solitary stars that try with all their might, to provide light to cities overrun with pollution, all throughout the night. With no use for one another, I found myself in the suffering brought upon my heart through being apart, realized then and there that I was not off to the greatest start. I am confident, and proud, full of potential, yet rarely obnoxious or loud. On the worst days, I forget why I exist, but then look up to the skies, and consider all of the potential that I contain for continuous, and endless bliss. I am my own worst critic, as I often refuse to allow myself to progress, though happiness fills each pore, and every fibre, and will pave the road to my success. Once again, I take the reins, as I am reminded that it is not all pain, nor is it so bad in the end. I tighten my laces, take hold of the sutures, and begin the healing that I know will ultimately allow for me to mend. As of today, I will no longer accept the sorrow lined streets that result in my feeling subdued; I look to the Heavens grateful for the breath that escapes from my lips, I feel so renewed.

Awakening.

The emptiness soaks in absorbing my body entirely, as it pulls my heart out; it is now obsolete. The security that would once surround me, left loneliness in its place, and has moved onto better streets. My sights were once set so high, now I watch helplessly as the only hope I have is to survive. It depletes everyday, bringing to mind the question of whether I will rot, and then decay. With too much on my plate, I realize I have taken on more than I can handle. The fear that fills me, burning stronger with each day, threatens to be my biggest scandal. In the water, I am beautiful as it washes away my sins. Purifies me like the divine, and reminds me that I am capable of achieving anything. Instead, I choose to remain in this morbid mundane stagnant state that surrounds me with the constant memories of all the things that I truly hate. Wasting away as I wear my heart on my sleeve every time that I go out, only to open myself up and be vulnerable, the thing I most need to do without. I cannot function knowing that I am the cause and not the cure, as I fade into black, my shadow remains pulling at strings to find something, or someone who will make it feel secure. The rock-hard stability that I seek loses its credibility as the hours turn into days and then weeks. I am an eternal work in progress, floating, hoping to catch glimpse of something that I can truly be passionate about. Yet for some reason, which my mind cannot comprehend, my insides tremble because of the repressed shouts. I am not hurting anyone but the future self that is to come, the one who hopes to meet an improved version of me, and not one that is just numb. I break everyday, yet somehow the pieces are not too difficult to put back together. I am human though, and fallible even on my most determined days. I refuse to admit that I was born this way for it would be inhumane for all of thus pain to be innate. I seek out the sun at the beginning of my day to remind me that I am still receptive, and open to love. The Hide and Seek moon at night lulls me to sleep, my goddess from above. The loneliness seeps in, injecting me with its apathy, that crawls under my skin. As I lie here counting sheep along with my defeats, with hands crossed in prayer, I patiently wait for the desperately needed healing to begin.

Passive Aggressive.

You claimed to be okay and said you were unfazed, but I should have known that you were waiting to set my world ablaze. I wish we could communicate, only then would I know this is all not in vain, if only we could eliminate the aggregate, then our potential would not poison our brains. Concealed caricatures of the person you claimed to be rose to the surface and engaged in battle with me, you claimed to wish me well but only gave me Hell, as you slowly revealed your colours, and came out of your sullen shell. Noxious naiveté that nearly knocked me off my feet, maniacally made me miss the person that I used to be. Your temperamental torture tasted like toxic defeat, seeping into my pores, and then dragging me through the streets. Taxicab confessions, without you I would only stay alive, with you I would surely die, as you contained enough venomous sting to inhabit many beehives. Double sided sword love, either one hurting more than the next; is it even worth it in exchange for the lack of respect? You refuse to tell me, or talk when something is on your mind, let molehills grow into mountains before you are reminded that they were even on your mind. Dust, and ashes brushed under the rug for the maid to find and laugh about, as you pushed me away with your silent penance that appeared to be devout. So take it all back, I have no time for this. I am over-booked but spontaneous, that must mean your love was the abyss. I ventured in deeper and deeper until I was lost before I found myself again, you already had my emotions, why did you also need to disparage my skin with your toxic acid rain? Neediness comes with a hefty price of heed, you cannot truly admit to love unless you first acknowledge your own greed. All selfishness aside, you claim to have done this for me as well, but I am not, nor will I ever be the one to accept without the option to rebel. Treat me right and we can last, challenge me as often as you can; without complexity, we are both bound to result in the arrested development of our own respective lands. Passive aggressive with your vibe so aggressive, why did you digress and leave the best to the rest? Show me your surreal colour, make me see that you can shine, too - without holding me hostage, accosting me for all that you do. Over now, done, you lost your chance to make an impact; seethe as you watch silent as my life gets back on track.

Blackhole.

My self love weighs heavy on my heart, and that is why the other me is my greatest counterpart. This black hole wants to pull me deep within, confine me, never console me, and make me bathe in my own sins. The emotional tide turns in and crashes against the shore of my security, as I venture further in and engage in feigned frivolous fatuities. I tried to conceal my past, suppressed it as much as I could, until I came to realize that I had misunderstood. Galaxies of gratitude which we will regale in when I am well, are the same sentiments that send me sorely sailing towards Hell. Vociferous and vile, evil tries to purchase me, only playing for keeps; as I subconsciously proselytize to gain my own flock of wicked sheep. The energy, and chemicals between us are absorbed into my skin, yet I try to flush it all away and drown it in a bottle of bathtub gin. This charade is not enough to break me, nor will it ever be easy to shake. I am still, however, well aware that I will become the things that I attain to make. Ambition don't fail me now, I get closer by the day; hours, minutes, and seconds are the only currencies with which I am currently able to pay. Lecherous lethargy let go of me, I release you to marry the night. Your flag was raised even before I arrived, and was forced to stop at your red light. I look to the skies for the answers I seek but I am ashamed for what might be reflected; will it be the inner-me or the attributes of the boy inside that I rejected? I fade to black as I fought the hardest that I could right now, I can only keep my hands crossed in prayer until true blissful happiness is something that I am willing to allow.