Paradigm Shift.

I sit and stare in wonderment, contemplating all the things that could have been, although my own stubbornness prevented me from attaining the joys that I had seen, in dreams. The foolishness inside flickered, went out without a fight, as I crawled through the dark, stumbling, suffocating searching for the light. I am the only thing that stands in my own way, my own worst critic, harshest on the coldest days. I cringe and cower at the concept of a life without conflict, the grass is always greener on the other side as mine always appears to look unfit. I refuse to accept the happiness and bliss that I know I truly deserve, choosing instead to live in a state of constant suffering, internalizing all of the sadness that I observe. The wails inside tremor, shake me like earthquakes of the worst magnitude, as I build up my walls higher, hoping to gain clarity at a greater altitude. Impenetrable fortress that I am, no man will ever break me again, but only because I am my own worst enemy, and will not allow my heart to detach itself from my brain. I protect love with my head, using insight, and logic instead; rationalizing reason though it still rages ravenously and dyes my insides bloody red. Once I accept love and light into my life, I know that I will stand taller than the rest, but until that moment arrives, I will remain cursed by the demons from my past that demean me and do not let me become blessed. Negative energy that surrounds me, will not flow freely and stays trapped inside my chest, berating, and blaming me for leaving it unaddressed. Blackened eyes to match my heart, bruised and battered from the start, I will make the change I need to depart from this mindset that cages my most chaotic, and creative art. Growing up, I gain myself, on my own, alone but never lonely, I am really the only one that can stop myself from feeling so languid, and lecherously lowly. Glorious, ghoulish death that pokes, and prods at me with its cold and bony fingers, greets me by gossiping about me, staying slightly out of sight, although it always lingers. I welcome it with open arms and accept that this might really be the end, by giving up, I am letting go, my paradigm shifts preparing me to take the final steps needed in order to truly mend. I will do it all differently, this time, I will actually become my own best friend, turn the hands of time forward, not back, as I ready myself internally to transcend; I am on the road to recovery, on a path that meanders, giving me the means to finally make amends and mend.