Kash Baloch — Poetry on Identity, Love, and Survival

I have a dream that our fight for civil rights will not end in sleepless nights, a fantasy that we can live in harmony with equality acting as the bridge that connects you and me. I dream of unity between man, woman and beast instead of the hatred that manifests as violence erupting in the streets and under the sheets. My reverie has been interrupted by the greed that oppresses and hides in deceit filled fleets. One ship prepared for battle and another for war, as our chests heave with anger until we have all become casualties of the rich, though we remain poor. This eye for an eye ideology has made the world blind, forgiveness unheard of in a world where love has been left behind. I had a dream that justice was real, that our hearts would stay open, instead our blood has congealed. Humanity, the only race, instead of socially constructed labels we were assigned to keep us in our right place. I have a dream one day man will be judged not by the colour of his skin but ...

A coma would even be better than the reality that is my most skilled enemy. Numb from anesthesia would be sweeter than being forced to cope. Desensitized by sedatives so I could get some peace. Dead man walking now that I've forgotten how to sleep. My thoughts possess me making my skin crawl like my anxiety is composed of fleas. I am my harshest critic when I ostracize myself for believing my own lies. Always waiting for a new day to arrive although my sun refuses to rise. Time was supposed to heal all wounds but cuts me instead, unwilling to let me rest. Cancer would even be better on me as it would come equipped with pain that I could see. Anguish from traumatic events are not tangible; invisible to the world, so I feel it is an unworthy defense. Suffering in this state is only understood by others privy to emotional pain. If only it were simple to explain, and stigma was not saved for illnesses that exist inside our brains. I was meant for so much more than this ...

When I break, I fall like Autumn leaves the trees barren for the winter; like a lover that has taken all it can before departing. Beautiful to behold the spectacle right before I hit the floor, stripped bare. All the reds reflected in my eyes, my ire overwhelming me with such arrogant anxiety. Denied of you, the air, the oxygen that I had depended on to help me breathe, my world becomes diseased and waits for winter's cold to numb the pain. My blood has frozen inside me as the reaper waits restlessly through the delay caused by a deathbed made of sharp snow; such a contrast, to the softness of it when I was young and innocent still. The pieces of me are scattered and on display for all to see and scrutinize. I am brutally aware, for the first time, that I have spent my life waiting for a sun that refused to rise. My demise is imminent now that the seasons change; a sobering reminder that life will always go on whether or not I am inspired to evolve or resigned to rot. Th...

My high threshold for emotional pain became like anesthesia, numbing me from the inside out as the contents of my soul had somehow developed amnesia. I was filled with such ravenous rage that it tore my skin from my bone, like acid rain. My heart was like a furnace overheating, desperate to silence my internal suffering that had become so scathing. Wanting to be left alone to wallow in my maladaptive misery, I let the ink stain my skin, just once, in the hope that it would set me free from my artificial reality. I was enslaved by my anger, as hostility reigned supreme inside of me, it was like cancer. My tears were the permanent tattoos that no one could know, my vulnerability made me feel weaker with each perceived blow to my ego. Naive and perhaps a product of my environment as I wrote blood and guts on my arm, in Japanese, as my eternal punishment. It acts as a reminder now, a vigil of sorts to the hardened persona that is no more. In his place is the lost and afraid li...

Chain-smoking, choking back tears from years of being broken, I find it more difficult than ever to melt my heart that has became an expert at being frozen. Like a bell that chimes to deaf ears, I know it is time for me to disappear, as I feel like a guest that's not only overstayed their welcome but also lost everyone's respect. I have became the poster child for neglect, now that I've made a habit of running from anything that could make me upset. Layers of build-up have made me smile on the surface when I feel completely worthless, like a lie, repeated enough to make it real. We have only just begun to scratch the skin of the shipwreck that lies within. As I descend, I see that each tier is a level into the fiery pits of Hell. It seemed harder to conceal the tireless trauma than to learn to cope motivated by the possibility of getting stronger. There was no method to my madness when I lashed out at nearly everyone, accusing anyone but me for my own sadness....

You and I were the best team, we could've been in the major leagues. I wanted us forever, as I know that we were destined to be together. You were my hands when my own forgot how to feel, the cure for my wounds that never seemed to want to heal. My vision obscured by enemies I could not see, as I sat cross legged and prayed for clarity in a field of broken dreams. I didn't hear well enough to listen to your fears. I had grown accustomed to ignoring any sense or logic. So it's no surprise now that I've been forgotten. The only taste I know is bitterness now, its acidity more acrid with each blow. Falling apart without security is not reassuring, as I am covered in doubts that keep me from blooming. Open my mouth to speak,wanting to beg you to stay, though I've lost the words that could keep you from slipping away. I beg of you to give us one more chance but then question how I could ever change the circumstances. Separated now, my ego is to blame ...

If love is patient and love is kind, then why does ignore the tears we bring to our lover's eyes? How can I love another soul only to lose all self-control, barricade myself in a room with insults and obscenities as the padding on its walls. I love unconditionally, without expectation, then harbour resentment which materializes as frustration when it's not reciprocated. If love does not envy then tell me, how did I feel resentful of the simplicity with which my partner loved me, when my own journey was an emotional, and wild ride? Uncharacteristic of love to boast or be proud, yet my own experiences with it fill me with guilt that permanently lingers, like a storm-cloud that shrouds the world in grey, then turns it upside down. Love is not meant to dishonour others, yet here we are ashamed that we let down our guard. If only I had held on tighter, neither of us would now be lost. Remorse is a wicked thing as it will not let me let go, knowing I have caused you pain and...

Logic would be appreciated if it helped me figure out a way to be okay, to survive each tragedy, like acts of terrorism that leave me shaken but unscathed. I no longer believe in miracles now that hope has let me down. I had faith once, too, until it showed me that we are all alone, until the day we die and from the moment we are born. In theory, all the strategies to stay safe sounded like they could work, until I tried to practice them and saw that my anger could not be reversed. Deterred and feeling desperate, I tried to stay hanging on though my grip was weakening with each new blow that I was dealt. Reason became unreasonable to me, as fictitious now as fairy tales of mermaids in the sea. Unable to accept the desert that I woke up and found myself dehydrated in, although I could acknowledge that my aggression was responsible for my loved ones' abandonment. Unrealistic to assume the casualties of the war I waged against myself were saints and could repeatedly forgiv...

In you I saw the world, you became the eighth wonder faster than I could run away. But then you took me by surprise, I was caught off guard and shell-shocked when you left me, now I'm blind. My soul was elated by your touch, I felt like the only man alive from your attention. Now I have been robbed of my ability to feel, my nerves unnerved in your absence. I swear I can still smell the fragrance of your breath that gave me chills. Each day seems longer and more empty now that you're not here. Homesick because I miss the distraction that I felt inside your arms. Hours could pass and then you'd depart, oh how I craved you then, wishing you would stay. Almost as if I knew a day would come when we'd say our last goodbyes. Now I'm burning; my dreams can only be satisfied by you. Validated by your existence, now the threads holding me together become loose. I am still under your spell, just one look from you and I could fall again. Hopeful that our story is...

I am angered by apathy and others' ignorance most often as their incompetence is unfounded in an age where information is readily available at the click of a button. Hatred and bigotry are not inherent yet are as common as if they were innate. Learned behaviours prevail as an eye for an eye ideology has left the whole world blind. I try to avoid judgment though it's difficult when I encounter so many passersby that are unkind. A man's character should be assessed based on the contents of his heart yet still some have been infected by greed for money and power, the reasons why wars start. Incensed by the lack of empathy that exists in a world controlled by consumerism, as though worth can be measured by the materials we possess. Annoyed by arrogance, I strive to stay conscious of my confidence and grounded by my acceptance of the impermanence of all. Bothered by blind faith which burns throughout the human race, as we are forced into a system that has no place for f...

My efforts are like rescuers that saved me when depression left me bereft and lost at sea. Floating in a life preserver, with doubts inside of me that were more ferocious than a Bengal tiger. Dangerously close to the edge, and on the brink of extinction, I peeled back the layers of my guards that made my eyes cry like onions. I watched helplessly as the remnants of my security were swallowed by the relentless waters of the Indian ocean, deprived of graves, their final resting place was in the Marianas Trench. Somehow I made it out alive and managed to do so even though I was soaking wet and drenched. I learned to tame the beasts that were my fears that if monetized, would have made me a billionaire. Somehow I stayed afloat, in retrospect, it was my hope and faith that worked behind the scenes to keep me safe and sound. Ashamed to admit that there were far too many days that I believed it would've been better if I had just drowned. Denial filled my head, echoing like screams t...

Drip drop as the intravenous tries to nourish me, tick tock time passes and I wait in anguish for an end to my suffering. Squish, crunch went my heart crushed under your foot like a cockroach. Popped my dreams for the future like a balloon as I zip up the sutures, closing my open wounds. Clapping thunder crashed outside my window; it only rains now that you're gone. We clashed like titans, our hungry egos were the ammunition that ultimately sunk both our battleships. Clicked my heels together twice, three times, hoping it would help me like ruby red slippers on Dorothy's homesick feet. In our last days, a cough could even set me off; I now regret that I could be so unkind. Flushed now as I reflect on all we left behind; all the pieces of us scattered around the world make me groan as I realize we hardly even tried. My stomach growls like a feral child raised by wolves and other creatures in the wild. Grumble, as I wish we never crumbled collapsing underneath the wei...

You are an amateur claiming to be on my level, yet your life reads like a comedy, your looks are equally disheveled. Trying to ascend, your feeble attempts to social climb are irrelevant, laughable and unphotographable just like a funny Valentine. I am expertly skilled at what I do, undefeated even at my worst as you, despite all of your efforts, are like a balloon filled with more than enough hot air to make you burst. Unraveling, your seams are slowly but surely coming undone in front of everyone,  it's clear for even the blind to see that you're not fooling anyone. Equipped with only basic qualities, you're barely a beginner and yet you still try to compete with the likes of me. I will always win, victory courses through my veins. I am comprised of triumph, defeating you will come as easily as any of the trophies I have fairly won. I hold the deed, the title to your properties; the landlord of all that you could even imagine or aspire to be. Deluded, as you ...

A dream is a wish your heart makes and I know mine has been granted as I have been given a fresh lease on life; I feel like I am enchanted. I will no longer give into grief or let depression seep into me. I have promised myself to stay committed to the sobriety which will set me free. The magnificent beast inside me has been defeated, my rage is now extinct. I am the master of the game, my demons exorcised in a blink. All it took was time to truly let my wounds heal, as the introspection allowed for me to remember how to feel. I was as angry as a warrior that wanted to avenge his ancestors' honour, like a soldier in the trenches armed and ready for battle. I forced everyone around me to walk on eggshells as the slightest misstep would wake this dragon from its slumber; they were David, I was Goliath when I incited terror with my voice that echoed like thunder. Voracious and vile, I would not stop until I was the victor though I only saw the damage I caused when all was...

In an instant, all was calm again as you came along and chased the pain. We connected as naturally as birds and bees, our love coursing through my veins revived my depraved heart. Happiness comes from within but you made me see that life is not the same without it. You cured the cardiac arrest that made me seize and closed off to letting anybody in. Like the wind, you soothed my soul when it burned with restlessness. For a short period in time, I recognized the power of real love; stabilized my vital signs, like insulin, you made everything right again. Now that you've gone away, I am forced to pick up the pieces of me that I never wanted to address, all the parts of me that I learned to suppress by ignoring my loneliness. You were the deejay that removed the blues from my playlist, the master that made me a slave to love whose existence I had tried so hard to deny. I naively protected myself in vain as though I had lost the very ability which had controlled me all of ...

An unmanned piano plays our song aggressively as though possessed. I exhale and see my breath, it is colder than the Arctic in your absence. The wind howls outside my window and I can swear it has your voice, it's calling me. Like footsteps in an abandoned house, I am still haunted by you and me. I have returned to hiding not wanting my presence to be known, a phantom in this world desperate to be reunited with you, my soul. Our tragedy replays in my head like a chilling horror movie scene, my pain made me a monster although that is no excuse for the torment or abuse I put you through. Haunted by you now, our memories like graves of loved ones that died prematurely; they line the cemetery that is my brain in rows that will never be complete. No longer inhabited by human life that has ceased, our world succumbed to loneliness and is covered in disease. Devoid of life, it starts to fall apart and decay; all because you left me, why did you have to go away? You haunt me ...

Comedy is a comforting mask that helps me cope when I am encompassed by darkness that infects my world and paints it black. I am imprisoned by my own thoughts, anxiety reveals its ugliness cheapening any sense of accomplishment that I might have. I grip reality, desperately, so I am not pulled into the burning inferno underground that threatens to devour me whole; it is my personal Hell. I do my best to embody my interpretation of normal, attempt to see things in a positive light despite my knowledge that my glass is broken, not half full. My smile is as carefully constructed as a house of cards, one wrong move and all of me comes crashing down to the ground. Tears well in the corner of my eyes as I question why but know that God works in mysterious ways. When will my sadness be replaced by my life that permanently remains on hold. I wish I could hit rewind and return to the point where roads diverged; I would choose wisely this time instead of chasing petulant dreams that have ...

The darkest parts of me screamed bloody murder, ignoring the truth that I deserved to be left high and dry. I accused God of abandonment, cursing my beloved as though I was devoid of fault or sin. My wrath wreaked havoc as it sought to exact revenge for events that only ever occurred inside my head. My vengeance more vain than Narcissus whose own reflection was responsible for his watery demise. A glutton for self indulgence, I feasted on your sanity until you were consumed then picked at your bones as if they were dessert. Envious of your ability to love, I would never admit that I aspired to taint it with my deep seated jealousy that was conceived long before you arrived. Like a sloth, lethargy atrophied every muscle in the body of us then assumed we'd survive instead of making any effort. Comatose, I chose to cope by sedating even the most faint glimmer of hope. Ravenous my eyes bewildered by lust as I grew infatuated with the mere idea of gaining then draining your trust. Lasci...

Discovering parts of me buried beneath years of neglect, dust covered heart rusty from disrespect. Empty for so long though I acted like I was full, spreading myself too thin, it's no surprise my soul craves attention. My ego prevented me from seeing the truth, facts that were as clear as starry nights in the country sky. Narcissistic exterior that refused to let me progress, excuses became the barriers that convoluted my fortress. I was the shepherd to a flock of sheep that were really scapegoats, blindly leading the blind, accountability could have been my antidote. Claimed to have no expectations but the demon inside me that would not be exorcised demanded forgiveness for its infatuation with lies. I pulled the veil further over my eyes and filled my ears with cotton that made me immune to others' pleas to be heard and not forgotten. Ignorance was so much easier than acceptance, I avoided every lesson that could have been my blessing. Escape became the only option that I c...

There is a darkness inside me deeper than the Grand Canyon, it yearns to be filled though almost nothing can. Empty it remains, devoid of colour. I know it's not a phase, this is who I've become. Fell for everything, now nothing could make me stand. Invested in it all, only to feel so second-hand. Used by everyone, like the Earth stripped of its natural resources. Blamed for all the heartbreak as though I am the apocalypse's horsemen. Break ups and divorces filed under my name, though all I really want is to feel the same. My love is poison, the holy grail of death. My sadness, an ocean, you cannot measure its depth. Each whispered word becomes another promise that can't be kept. I just want peace and happiness though my darkness will not permit it. I am so lonely, the most deserted places even have more visitors. My heart is stony, yet still brittle enough to easily break. Harder and harder I search for a friend, the quicker it becomes ...

Incongruent, incandescent, impolite as he took all he desired and then decided to reject it, slipping away into the night.  Such is the plight of our female counterparts sold into marriage like objects to be bargained with.  Females: though our mothers, sisters, daughters and nieces are solely seen for their beauty or measured by their usefulness.  This is patriarchal poison at play, whose toxins remain in society to this very day, as though the women that birth us are somehow weak and should be the cause for our own decay.  Centuries of subjugation have resulted in gender roles and norms that are as inconceivable as ogres and trolls.  Through conditioning at every level, girls grow into insecure women convinced that they are the devil.  Held hostage by semen which can only be supplied by male demons, at their behest; surprise, we suddenly become heathens.  In my ideal world, women would have the only power to decide their rights not the victims of mis...

Sensitive to my environment, each change affects me like a sonic boom. Try as I may to remain unchanged, I long to be as undetectable as a chameleon camouflaged to fit the background noise within a room. Adaptability can be a gracious gift or a cancerous curse dependent on its antecedents. Tension can be a landmine that exploded inside my head, the slightest exposure to it contains enough damage to poison me with lead and eradicate a lifetime of bliss. Happiness is now only a fantasy as I have become destroyed by my apathy. Sympathetic to others' needs though my own seem second-hand. Misery is now the only magic carpet which I can ride through my wasteland. Denial darkens every dream that I once had, now life is filled with despair. Mind over matter cannot be achieved from thoughts that are comprised of idle chatter. Anxiety eats at me as though my body is an incarcerated person's last lonely meal. I arrived at the limit to your love, your heart became an empty vess...

My love is taller than the Burj in Dubai My love is wider than the great Mount Sinai My love is older than China's Great Wall My love is stronger than diamonds in Sierra Leone Yet it's never enough; you always ask for more. Why does it have to be so tough? Just believe in us so we can soar. My love is more pious than the Sistine Chapel My love is more hopeful than the prayers of a small child My love is more courageous than the Trojan warriors My love is more unconditional than all the mothers' in the world Yet it still makes you question us; as if we are much too weak and not enough. Why do you take my truth as lies? I'm yours, you're mine.  Like Paradise. My love is taller than the Empire State My love is stronger than the Golden Gate My love is wiser than Egypt's Sphinx My love is harder to climb than Everest Yet you leaped over my love in a single bound My awe has sealed our destinies now. The lost garden of Eden is found I'm ...

The way you love me is as natural to me as the symphony of my heartbeat. As effortless as the ease with which your breath lulls me to sleep. Passionate as the tempestuous tropical breeze, your touch alone is enough to bring me crashing down to my knees like the hungry oceans water shores playfully with samples of their seas. I am always satisfied although my greed begs for you to return to me. As natural as the birds and the bees, without your pollen my world would appear diseased. Flowers bloom testament to your love's effects as I can simply close my eyes and envision your fingers caressing my neck. More natural than the oxygen we inhale from trees, you take me back to the land before time when all was sweet. Dehydrated in your absence, only your return can slake my thirst. Your love is more natural to me than the sun rising in the east, I can feel the sweet taboo of its heat and I just want to burn from you in the west until you set inside my arms, making our day ...

Each new day brings me closer to the dirty thirty, as I cannot help but reflect on the way it was supposed to be.  Expectation is truly the root of all heartache, with each failed expectation, one's heart is more susceptible to breaking.   I could have been a doctor, traveling the world and bringing smiles and cures or even a lawyer, arguing for what is right and sometimes even wrong; I now cringe as I think of the prestige of it all.   Instead, I am just a contender; my heart and head stronger than the muscles that line the bodies of any professional wrestler.   My confidence propels me to new heights every single day.  Sometimes I falter and believe the voices in my head that tell me that I could never do better; those are the days that corrode me from the inside out.   My ambition turns to rust - slowly - as I die another death with every hour that works against me like the poorly oiled gears in life's curious machine.  I...

Fear steals sleep like a thief in the night as it strives to rob us of our security.  It condemns us to a lifetime imprisoned by questions of whether we are worthy; our own insecurities the ruthless wardens that deprive us of our identity.  Worry, like a blade sharpened by time prevails over the strength of mankind, though it should be held accountable and indicted for the stress that is its greatest crime.  Risks were taken throughout history by Genghis Khan and other conquerors of yore, but now our leaders are engaged in wars that solely result in remorse.  Conflicts are concealed in all of our false utterances, driven by the apprehension that the truth is a disturbance that should be restricted to our own internal monologues.  Ulterior motives litter the landscapes of our interactions resulting in sadness tainted by all the things we should and could have said.  Unsurety gnaws at our resolves as we become increasingly indecisive, our inner voices silenc...

Belittled for so long by my own bitterness, each step in the right direction led me right to failure's dreary doorstep.  Success kept me at bay, its no vacancy sign was a thorn in my side every time.  Through comparing myself to every other living creature, the contrast too strong to handle; so I trembled, giving in to my fears of inadequacy instead.  I tried, strived, then thrived for so long in vain as I refused to acknowledge the demons that denied me of my rest.  Bereft, each right turn was all that I had left.  Rock bottom blues of mine had become my only friends in the most difficult of times, as I cried for salvation and begged for relief, each feeble attempt was never met with reprieve.  Life became a wizard that charmed me with the many tricks hidden inside its sleeves as I became hypnotized by all the ways that I could be detrimental to me.  Like Snow White's wicked queen, I sought out to eradicate all of my own beauty.  Poisons and spe...

I wanted gold but got coal instead, desired diamonds but you silenced me with slices of bread.  I asked for the world because I deserved it on a silver platter, you chose to disregard my demands, distracting me with idle chatter.  I learned to expect nothing so that I would appreciate everything, feeling entitled only increased my suffering.  Burdened by wants that centred on material goods, rotted my heart like termites feeding on wood.   I had to accept that rubies and rhinestones could never replace the attention that I so desperately craved. Little blue boxes or blue diamond pills were no match for the thrill of being fulfilled.  Swept away by the superficial which eventually lost their ability to impress as I lost sight of my self-respect, turning around to retrace my steps.  I silently slipped by the moments in our past where I felt bereft, the same moments I repressed my sadness convincing myself I was content.  I traipsed past the torment that ...

Subtle silhouettes that suggested how life could have been, examples that evoked images of a future so serene.  With or without you, I was destined to be happy, the greatest revenge I can deliver is my own apathy.  Not heartless, though I have learned to use my heart less, not cold although my insides are as frigid as the Arctic.  Predisposed to ugliness, I have come to expect the worst from all.  Humanity has become as mythical a concept as lost continents or Utopian waterfalls. Despite all this, I just wanted to grow with you, ignoring your penchant for inertia.  One look was all it took for me to see that love had lost again.  You stuttered, rambling about things that made little to no sense.  Claimed that leaving me was for my own good, that my happiness was your number one concern as though we shared a brain and somehow you had the right to state that I was not at peace.  Your cowardice cut deeper than any sword could ever cause me harm. ...

All affection abolished, removed from me as it had become obsolete.  Assassinated now though we were allies once, you shot the arrow that sealed my dreary fate.  Invaded by darkness, every blind turn leads to destruction.  The deserts are filled with life when compared to the desolation that has devoured my wasteland, preying on it from every angle until it was barren.  Annihilated by my own insecurities, even the most remote glimmer of hope becomes a welcome distraction from my despair.  Forced to fight, though you chose to flee, the greatest difference between you and I was your fear.  You left me stranded as you pulled away, creating excuses that were ambiguous and unfair.  Beads of sweat dance on my brow, the sweltering heat from the fire burning voraciously inside me is the light that guides my way when it's pitch black and I am rendered blind.  I walk through the valley of the shadow of death unperturbed by the misery reflected...

           ...

You played love intoxicating me like rain's melody until it became evident that you just wanted to get the best of me.  Double standard love that cut like a sword sharpened on both sides, the hypocrisy of your theories shone brightly as you chose to run and hide.  Instead of support, you offered me the coldest shoulder, oh how it froze.  Your cowardice could kill even the most callous rose.  I gave and gave of me, until my body was just skin, bones and sinews; you took, fed hungrily of me, until there was nothing left for you to grab on to.  It was then you turned and left, claiming that it was for the best; told me what you think I ought to do as though the cure can come so easily.  Easier said than done, my friend, your abandonment has made you my enemy.  I have survived much harder harder falls, always landing on my feet; you lacked the ingredients to make my recipe complete.  Turn the other cheek, avert your gaze if we see one another in the s...

The stars illuminated the sky, shining brighter than I had ever seen, though my innocence prevented me from suspecting they were warning me.   I lay my head down and slipped into the sweetest sleep before I was deceived by my own dreams.   In my deep slumber, I was oblivious to your men scaling my castle walls.   First there were two, then ten, then fifty armed men, ready to risk their lives until my fortress fell.   Your cowardice compelled you to attack with the moon as your accomplice, though even twilight could not conceal your poor sportsmanship.   Under siege under the stars with all of my knights in their beds, you set fire to my vulnerability then watched as my world burned.   I was forced awake as smoke filled my lungs, gasping for air as I became aware of your invasion.   My pride and stubbornness refused to be taken down without a fight, as I became more alert with every moment of that critical night.   Your cruel crusade was no m...

I wonder where you are and what you’re doing, curious to know who’s loving you. You invade my thoughts pervasively without warning, like an atomic bomb, each memory annihilates the landscape of my serenity.   I suppress my urge to reminisce about your cancerous kiss, now convinced that we were never meant to be.   The chemicals between us reacted so violently, that every turn led us to catastrophe.   Infiltrated by images of you, my sanity becomes diseased.   Deflated, I died a thousand times with you, tolerated your abuse for far too long.   Yet still the burning question remains of how I could still care for you, an emotion whose guilt cuts me like a guillotine.   Held hostage by the hostility that has locked itself inside my head and thrown away the key, your misery preferred my company.   Freedom from you is my fondest dream, a fantasy so frequent that it feels like reality though the truth remains that your toxicity infected my bloodstream. ...