Kash Baloch — Poetry on Identity, Love, and Survival

Plebeian pleasures that only appealed to me in passing moments, idiots so ignorant that were unworthy of my romance. Your failure to ignite the incandescence of my incense, was enough for me to protest, and forget about your pretense. Rapidly realized that you were not ever all that rare, like a steak well done, your time was over before you could claim that you had won. Failed to stun, although you never left home without your glue gun. Glitter was your weapon, but your love was just a rerun. I chose myself instead, refused to settle for passive aggression and its lack of pleasure. I am a treasure, solid gold; a diamond surrounded by casual, catatonic coal. Carefully consoled, I chose to hold myself in closer context, you exacerbated my existence, punished me with your persistence whilst alienating my own assistance. I am the master, you were the muse, when it's all over, get up and leave; you've been used. I only need me, your impermanence transparent; a...

You were my medic as you made the final incision and cut my heart in two. Kept the biggest piece for yourself, the first time you had ever made a decision, now my blood bleeds blue. You doctored the romance, all of it untrue, that made me fall for you. Scalpel sharp, and surgery cold, as you transplanted trust into me, but it was misconstrued. Now I lie waiting in the operating room hoping to be fixed by you; your malpractice resulted in the malignancy of me, which you could never undo. Tremors, shakes, and quivers, ulcers, but somehow your love remains my hunger pain, sprained my trust in you whenever you would stray, but your attention was still enough to make me feel renewed. Now I suffer from the aches of arrhythmia as my heart still beats for you, disengaged from all my favourite places, with my life in dire need of review. My liver threatens to leave me abandoned, yet I still refuse to admit that I have taken to drinking for two. We were a pair that should h...

Your chaos had a melody, that I danced to all day long. The trauma of your design was enough for me to consider losing it all. The recipe of your disaster was the most beautiful song, as I tried to paint with vibrancy to avoid any further falls. The anarchy of your leadership started to flood our town, it took years for me to realize that you would always let me down. Unreliable until the end, I was merely drawn to your disarray; broken now, our looking glass had started to rust, and then decay. Selfish to your core, you were spoiled rotten long before we met, you faltered many times as I forgave countless more, and somehow managed also to forget. You coloured my world with the chaos of your trouble, watched me twist, and turn to your love as my fears ebbed to the surface, and then quickly began to boil, and bubble. Hotter by the second, our saga began too fast, as we raced to reach the finish line, only to lose it all and place dead last. Was it the sorrow behind ...

The oxygen you provided once is more like poison now, as you slit my throat with overbearing love, and the blood spills out. The doubts fill me throughout like carbon monoxide gas, as I have replaced you with another, join the ranks of the second class. Anthrax awareness alarmed me, as your nitrogen nude nuances neglected my reverie, forcing me to set you fluorine free. The chemicals between us ceased to exist in harmony, drastically decreasing the likelihood of the conception of progeny. Your arsenic, aciduous heart resulted in your reaching out to my lovers past in your time of need, future suitors will take heed, of your pathetic, and pitiful ignoble deeds. You claimed to be comprised of krypton, yet you were hardly a noble gas, you played make believe and had me convinced that you were less than a global ass. Chernobyl, and Hiroshima have recovered better than you, as you are now a no man's land, in a state of disrepair that is worse than the Roman ruins. Li...

Twenty four, three too many for the perfect hand in life's biased game of Blackjack, but just enough to strike back with a well memorized massive attack. I compromised too much of myself to lose it all in one round of Russian roulette, paid the cost to be the best, so return my ante, and retain your bets. I will be victorious, I was born to win, effortlessly notorious, it kills my many critics to encounter my resilience. I am no longer the pawn that kept getting knocked down, but I am the king who gets stronger with each round. You were the black queen; wickedness run rampant through your veins, I was always two steps ahead, immune to your endless games. Attention deficit and as blind as the jaded one-eyed Jack, you may have made Jill take a spill, but I am much smarter than that. You said you would go straight and never stray again but you lied, so this royal flushed you away and watched our future die. I have always been adept at doing too much to fast, simil...

Cocaine covered clouds that would cushion and comfort my falls, have ceased to provide security, through life's many curveballs. Methamphetamine dreams laced with paranoia and delusion, solely fill my world with desolation, and crack ignited confusion. Made Mary Jane my mistress, reached out to her when I was down, with an embrace, one simple kiss, she once was able to make me feel so profound. Ecstasy would take me high, and help me soar, gone are the days now when I was a user, I am drugs' whore no more. Acid trip traps that I used as a means to escape, have lost their ability now, to help me forget the many memories of rape. I was once a jaded junkie living amongst the untouchables of North American society, instead I have turned a new leaf, contrived of clarity, and sobriety. I am no longer a victim, nor a product of my environment, it is in my nature to nurture, or else face extinction, and endangerment. Painkillers and opiates that I once thought woul...

My survival has ceased to be dependent on your fickle, fascist regime. I am number one again now, no longer feel the need to be a part of your team. The tears dried on their own as you failed to appropriately feign support; I run freely now as my airplane has been released from death's arid airport. Tossed aside so you could explore other carnal desires, I was merely your whore. Your two-faced heart can beat for me no more, enjoy your latest conquest who seems to be such a bore. I am passion and he is solely lust, stick with him, and accept my curse; the guilt within will turn your love to rust. I can guarantee that your world will fade to black, once you realize that someone truly genuine is everything that you lack. Christened a killer but baptized a brat, your treacherous deeds will make you fall flat. The bloodred wine that flows through your veins, was frigid, ice cold as it tried to make me irrelevant, then certify me mundane. Unbeknownst to you, your at...

My cancer soaked heart is what led me here, leaving me confused, it is more than I can bare. I have never felt so cheap or used, as I battle my foreign fears. I am the sole cause, the muse, for my own dark despair. Night falls as death threatens to strip me of my soul. I know I should fight harder but to what avail? For your vision of love, my frigid heart still tolls. My fountain of youth, you were my holy grail. Crawling through the dark, I searched for the rabbithole that would lead me back to you. Before my soul accepts its fate, and succumbs to heartbreak's fatal flu. Love is a flesh eating virus that poisons your brain; makes you foolishly see beauty in things that are mundane. I thought that I would break the pattern and put an end to this chain, but instead I pull the plug, you win. Watch my hopes and dreams for us as they circle the drain. I gave you all of me, hopelessly, even things that were solely intended for me. Then toyed with your emotion...

My indecision has paved two roads; one made with dreams, the other with gold. With each step forward, I further unload and drift farther away from your hands which I so longed to hold. A future filled with you would never be fickle it would be only be sweet, but desire is a demon, it is a two way street. My heart sees only in blacks and whites, no in-betweens, but the hope inside multiplies like forests filled with evergreens. The eternal flame will always burn as I hold your heart in my hand through the falls from which you will learn. I am your friend, an ally, first and foremost as I sit and await your acceptance of me as your loving host. I will possess you like a child in its mothers womb, like kings from long ago possess their luxurious tombs. Toxic waste landfills and radioactive despair line the boulevards of broken dreams that appeared now that you are no longer here. Biohazardous balloons float to the Heavens then pop, blinding my eyes, when will this mis...

Greyer by the minute, your time ages me each day. Ticking hands that repeat to the beat, bringing me closer to decay. In my grave, you will still count down until you no longer exist as well. The time you thought was real was mere fiction, was designed to give you Hell and reap all of its convictions. Those who chose freedom were the ones who truly lived, as they worked hard to receive the love that they would equally give. Father future, frustrated, feigned satisfaction with his class, as some of his students, us particularly, refused to save the best for last. The water keeps on boiling, creating steam throughout the Earth as a layer of fog and mist are born, making the world and its inhabitants forget their self-worth. We could have been heroes, yet we cowered, hoped to never get caught, as we disdainfully claimed the rewards, the consequences that through our actions we had bought. Waste of life, waste of skin but whose glass house can decide? A lot of us wer...

Your coffee stained heart is devoid of caffeine now, as you buried me alive, in your hostility I drowned. Our white sheets have been dyed red, to match the blood that was spilled, yet a flicker of hope remains that this is just another fire drill. Your cauldron of hatred bubbles over, burning me like the sun's apocalyptic flares, though all I ever wanted was for someone, anyone, to be there. Bravery has abandoned me, there is no courage left in my cowardly lion heart, benevolent but broken before we even had a chance to fill the pages of our lives with beautiful art. Stop, this was all a farce, that has left my memories jaded, and scattered so sparse. Your charade will be a hard act to follow, novocaine numb now with a heart that is twice as hollow. My white flag hangs at half-mast in honour of my demise, as crocodile tears sprout, then sting, as they trail down your face, and stain your sorry eyes. My world was in disarray, as it yearned to be your oyster, now ...

The blues inside my soul ebb and flow as they hit the shore. Some days they are light, and I am still able to make it through the night. But the navy and royal blues blind me to the point where I am unsure of what to do. Self-awareness resides within each fibre, every pore; yet my sorrow remains, guilt, not love, will live here forevermore. The performer in me refuses to quit the show, this facade, although old, is all that I have ever known. Unoccupied and as available as if I've made no plans, the fury at my future grows, why do I refuse to become a man? Every breath that I exhale is filled with endless lies, as I attempt to no avail to conceal the sadness in my melancholy eyes. The notes of youth that once remained became frustrated and then faded. As I fight my many monstrous selves from becoming a joke so jaded. I see the light yet refuse to accept that it may save me; instead I avoid the catalysts that may positively change me. This water is poisoned, murky, dark...

The shouts and screams subside leaving me cowering in fear, yet realizing it's impossible to find somewhere safe to hide from my troubles so dear. This darkness within me, pitch black as forty days of night, has robbed me of my senses, as I have lost my will to fight. These walls I have built so strong come crashing down leaving me in the wake of their destruction, I stand in my own way, evoking insecurities within, I am my only obstruction, and the cause of my own suffering. In an instant, the security blankets I weave are pulled away, provoking me to find another with the ability to comfort me like the sun's golden, effervescent rays. I search high, and then low, hoping to find a cure or reason, but instead get tossed aside, time and time again as if I have committed the worst kind of treason. I lived my life wrapped inside a bubble of hope that has just burst, the pain, and agony that seep through make me believe that nothing could be worse. Now silence pierce...