Renewed.

I was convinced I was immortal, invincible even.

Then in an instant, my world was turned upside down.

I came face to face with my own mortality.

As I watched helplessly as you slipped away, forever becoming slightly out of reach.

I let out a wail that resonated to and vibrated my spirit, shaking it awake.

Forcing it to pay attention to the day that everything changed.

Darkness, disarray and depression danced with me.

Decay was everywhere.  I was decayed.

I was diseased.  Once again, disoriented by death.

Dismembered by the untimely demise of my nearest and most dear.

After acquiescing to the agony and surrendering to the shock that impatiently waited to feast on me,
I folded into myself.  Collapsing, not knowing when or if I would ever just be "okay".

The effort of each day was like a loaded gun that I refused to pick up.

Debilitating denial was a delicacy I would delve into as a means to deal with the pain.

Although there was no room for turning back or adopting pretence, it lessened the blow to that of a landmine instead of a nuclear bomb.  Anger came like an invading army attacking at night.

Accusing anyone of involvement.  

Accosting myself for all that I could have done but never accepting that it was done.

I tried to pick up the pieces, celebrate her life instead of mourning her loss.

Somehow, I became conscious of a reserve of strength held deep within us.

Strength and resilience that lies dormant in us, waiting to be tapped into.

This was my saving grace.  This bit of new found strength was like a superpower.

I tried to use it sparingly but privately practised using it as much as possible.

I wanted to master it and gain power to heal through this new strength.

Seconds evolved into hours, days then months.  Each new day was still a blessing despite the loss.

Each day an opportunity to appreciate the loved ones I still had left.

Denial turned into anger turned into acceptance; the cliched concept of time healing all was coming true.

Now, on the eve of the one year anniversary of my sister's passing, I am happy, for once.  

For what feels like the first time in forever.  I have accepted it though the legacy she's left behind is larger than life itself.  Although she is lost, she will never be forgotten.  

Generations to come will hear of the sister that shaped, guided, loved and encouraged me.
The sister whom I inherited my confidence and intellect from.
I emulated her grace, class and sophistication as much as possible, and this will be the greatest gift I share with my own children.  

Death and dying are life-altering experiences though we always fail to remember the impermanence of everything, especially life, which changes from one fleeting moment to the next.
Now you're here, now you're gone - all in an instant.  

Through death, I gained life in that I was reminded to live and revel in every blessed moment.

I was reminded to appreciate and love all that are deserving before it is too late.

I learnt to cherish my mind, body and spirit again so as to not tempt death or illness.

I learnt t to let go and accept that everything happens for a reason.

Through death, I have almost been revived.  

Year in Review.

This is highly personal...but I wanted to share this with the people that matter most.  I probably could've done so in a less "public" forum but I am ultimately an open book.    

So it is the 31st of December, a day on which society denotes that one reflect on the year they've had and then go out and get annihilated through ingesting as much alcohol/drugs as possible, or perhaps that was just my old social circle and not society as a whole that had that expectation.  Lol, I have decided to do things a little differently this year though, and I am certain beyond doubt that I will stick to my guns and end the day/begin thIS NEW year with a calm, cool, collected and CONSCIOUS mindset.  Emphasis on conscious because, as you  may know from reading previous entries, I preferred living in a state of permanent intoxication; I self-medicated through drugs, alcohol, and whatever else I could get my hands on in order to avoid dealing with issues that had infiltrated the very core of my being.  Not good!

This year was full of ups and downs; it started with my sister Sam, who had been my biggest ally, confidante, and endless stream of non-judgemental and loving support, being ill and in the throes of a deep depression.  In the end, I felt that because I couldn't help her, I started to absorb her pain and started to self-destruct as well.  I entered a dark period where I was self-medicating as I felt completely helpless and started to give up.  It turned into a release of negativity that I highly needed to prepare myself for her death on the 3rd of February.  She passed away in her sleep, and I found her, much to my dismay.  I was devastated, to say the least; it was like everything I had known had been a falsity and like my comfort and security had been torn apart with a chainsaw.  Everything was in disarray and I entered a dark depression, unsure of how to fill the immense void that had suddenly encapsulated my being.  I refused to leave my house, shave, shower, and simply exist.  I had no idea of how I would, or could go on but fortunately, my sister Maaria, a few friends, and my mother were incredibly supportive.  This ordeal ultimately brought my family closer together and made me appreciate them so much more.  

A month passed and I knew I had to pick up and resume.  I knew that it was wrong for me to be consumed by sorrow, as Sam never would've wanted it that way.  She was always the biggest advocate of strength and resilience for me; one could deduce that she was incredibly strong-willed and confident within the first five minutes of being introduced to her.  So, with this in mind, I tried to pick up the pieces and began applying for jobs, as a distraction would have been ideal to get my mind off of all the things that were bothering me, and eating away at my sanity.  I started working briefly, but only until my sister Maaria, whom i had grown up with, got married in April.  Although, there was dissonance around whether it was appropriate for her to still get married or not, it had already been planned and she was completely deserving of the little bit of joy it gave her; a moment's worth of serenity and clarity in the immediate calm after the storm.  

I flew to Pakistan on the 10th of April, completely unexpectedly, as I was not planning to attend her wedding due to work.  The three weeks I was there were highly needed as I was able to reflect, be introspective, and heal.  I did not drink or partake in any illicit drugs for this period either, so this was my first bit of sobriety in what seemed like years.  Her wedding took place over the course of four days, as is tradition with Pakistani weddings, and I was present through all of it.  My sister, my other best friend, who had pinched me as a child to keep me in line and then battled bullies with  me in the school-yard was getting married; something that was almost surreal to me.  Her husband adores her and treats her with the utmost kindness, compassion and love and I instantly approved.  I cried when I saw her in her wedding dress as she looked radiant and was the most beautiful bride I had ever seen, but I also cried as I was grateful that between Sam and myself, that one of us was there to support her and give her our blessing as she entered marital life.  

Upon coming back to Canada, I had initially planned to proceed with the new outlook, and healthy (sober) lifestyle that I had been accustomed to for three weeks but then I relapsed again, always telling myself that I was fine with "Just a little taste," which turned into "A few drinks," and then ultimately, "Mind your own business."  I convinced myself I was not an alcoholic once more, and stated that I never craved it, knowing internally that I did yet dreaded saying so, lest verbalizing it was synonymous with acceptance.  Now, in retrospect, trying to count on two hands how many incidents, casualties, and arguments I have been in the past two years as a result of my drinking is impossible, which  means it is time to stop.  

Ending the year, I am in a good place.  I have an incredible job and work with people that are wonderfully supportive and hilarious.  I am in a relationship that is healthy, centred on communication, honesty, integrity, and respect; something that none of my past relationships had been simultaneously AND most importantly, I feel great about myself.  I have stopped drinking, it's going on two weeks which is a HUGE deal for me, as I would normally spend around $2-300 a week on alcohol and going out, which is ridiculous.  

Today, on the new year's eve, I plan to spend the day immersed in the mindset that will ensure a successful start to 2013.  I have always thought that the way we spend our new year's eve would ultimately dictate how the rest of the year was spent.  This was a year full of losses, love, ups, downs, and curve-balls but I wouldn't change it for a thing.  It taught me how to be strong again, and how to be independent; it reminded me of my worth and my own mortality, that everything is impermanent.  It showed me that I need to be better to myself and to my immediate family; my sister Maaria, my mother, my nieces and nephew are all deserving of the utmost love, and are worthy of the most positive and conscious version of myself.  And lastly, it taught me to love myself from the inside out; friends and family may come and go, but in the end, I will always have myself and should ultimately shower myself with the utmost love/respect, for I will be all that I have at the end of the day.  

Here's to a lovely, happy, healthy and wonderful start to the new year for all of you as well.  I know it will be for me and I am happy and grateful that I am still here.  

Rome.

Roman empires could crumble from one look into your eyes, 
thankful to the Heavens for bestowing me with the greatest prize. 

Within a single month, Cleopatra and Marc Anthony 
would concede to their defeat, 
as our love story grows more elaborate, 
no contest for theirs, so weak and incomplete. 

In Pisa, you can lean on me, 
I will reciprocate your kindness that beautifies my soul. 
The romance I will endow on you in Venezia will be 
the missing piece that makes your puzzle whole. 

Help me blossom into a real boy in Firenzé like Pinocchio, 
as my heart opens wider to make more room 
for the most deserving prince that I will ever know. 

Your elusive Mona Lisa smile sends me sailing to the Amalfi Coast, 
as I become compelled to paint you, my next masterpiece, 
from your head down to your toes, I am engrossed. 

Make my way to the Vatican to see if it could be true 
that the Sistine Chapel pales in comparison to you. 

With one kiss, you bring me to my knees, 
pardonne me, amoré mio, 
but your breath makes me just as weak as the
warm summer breeze that stays with me everywhere I go. 

Float in me like I am a wondrous, winding Venetian canal, 
besieged as you become my muse, 
the very thought of you instantly boosts my morale. 

Let your opera become my dogma,
your arrival in my life is surely the fruit of my good karma. 
Sicily sweet, you make me flush from your heatwave, 
Calabria cool as I rejoice for all the reasons why you make me rave. 

The mutual respect and trust that you exude 
are the most valuable gifts that I have received. 
Millé grazi, for you have given me another resplendent reason to breathe.

Red Wine Romance.

Dreaming whilst awake, no longer in need of slumber, as one touch or caress from you is enough to make me crack then crumble.  Floating blissfully on my own butterflies' wings, you are quickly becoming my everything.  You hold the brush artfully as you paint my canvas filling it with colour, and my heart agrees that you are unlike any other lover.  Sorceror skilled as you leave me breathlessly thrilled, no longer in need of jagged little pills, you've come in for the kill turning this predator into your prey.  Like turning water into red wine, you intoxicate me in every way when skies are grey.  Chianti kisses that flavour my tongue, you shot my apathy down and left me yearning, burning, hotter than a smoking gun.  Although my initial reaction was to run, your predecessors have been outdone, hooked on you now like you just might be the one.  Call me mother Earth, as I orbit you just like the sun.  Dye my chardonnay with your shiraz, then fill me with your jazz, add a spring to my every step as I quickly become more adept. Drowning in desire, I shed the weight of my past the more you make me perspire, racing to the finish line, you are the admired air inside my tires.   Fumbling towards ecstasy, the light becomes more clear as I tumble; with each sip I take of you, I wisen and become more humbled.