Renewed.

I was convinced I was immortal, invincible even.

Then in an instant, my world was turned upside down.

I came face to face with my own mortality.

As I watched helplessly as you slipped away, forever becoming slightly out of reach.

I let out a wail that resonated to and vibrated my spirit, shaking it awake.

Forcing it to pay attention to the day that everything changed.

Darkness, disarray and depression danced with me.

Decay was everywhere.  I was decayed.

I was diseased.  Once again, disoriented by death.

Dismembered by the untimely demise of my nearest and most dear.

After acquiescing to the agony and surrendering to the shock that impatiently waited to feast on me,
I folded into myself.  Collapsing, not knowing when or if I would ever just be "okay".

The effort of each day was like a loaded gun that I refused to pick up.

Debilitating denial was a delicacy I would delve into as a means to deal with the pain.

Although there was no room for turning back or adopting pretence, it lessened the blow to that of a landmine instead of a nuclear bomb.  Anger came like an invading army attacking at night.

Accusing anyone of involvement.  

Accosting myself for all that I could have done but never accepting that it was done.

I tried to pick up the pieces, celebrate her life instead of mourning her loss.

Somehow, I became conscious of a reserve of strength held deep within us.

Strength and resilience that lies dormant in us, waiting to be tapped into.

This was my saving grace.  This bit of new found strength was like a superpower.

I tried to use it sparingly but privately practised using it as much as possible.

I wanted to master it and gain power to heal through this new strength.

Seconds evolved into hours, days then months.  Each new day was still a blessing despite the loss.

Each day an opportunity to appreciate the loved ones I still had left.

Denial turned into anger turned into acceptance; the cliched concept of time healing all was coming true.

Now, on the eve of the one year anniversary of my sister's passing, I am happy, for once.  

For what feels like the first time in forever.  I have accepted it though the legacy she's left behind is larger than life itself.  Although she is lost, she will never be forgotten.  

Generations to come will hear of the sister that shaped, guided, loved and encouraged me.
The sister whom I inherited my confidence and intellect from.
I emulated her grace, class and sophistication as much as possible, and this will be the greatest gift I share with my own children.  

Death and dying are life-altering experiences though we always fail to remember the impermanence of everything, especially life, which changes from one fleeting moment to the next.
Now you're here, now you're gone - all in an instant.  

Through death, I gained life in that I was reminded to live and revel in every blessed moment.

I was reminded to appreciate and love all that are deserving before it is too late.

I learnt to cherish my mind, body and spirit again so as to not tempt death or illness.

I learnt t to let go and accept that everything happens for a reason.

Through death, I have almost been revived.