This is highly personal...but I wanted to share this with the people that matter most. I probably could've done so in a less "public" forum but I am ultimately an open book.
So it is the 31st of December, a day on which society denotes that one reflect on the year they've had and then go out and get annihilated through ingesting as much alcohol/drugs as possible, or perhaps that was just my old social circle and not society as a whole that had that expectation. Lol, I have decided to do things a little differently this year though, and I am certain beyond doubt that I will stick to my guns and end the day/begin thIS NEW year with a calm, cool, collected and CONSCIOUS mindset. Emphasis on conscious because, as you may know from reading previous entries, I preferred living in a state of permanent intoxication; I self-medicated through drugs, alcohol, and whatever else I could get my hands on in order to avoid dealing with issues that had infiltrated the very core of my being. Not good!
This year was full of ups and downs; it started with my sister Sam, who had been my biggest ally, confidante, and endless stream of non-judgemental and loving support, being ill and in the throes of a deep depression. In the end, I felt that because I couldn't help her, I started to absorb her pain and started to self-destruct as well. I entered a dark period where I was self-medicating as I felt completely helpless and started to give up. It turned into a release of negativity that I highly needed to prepare myself for her death on the 3rd of February. She passed away in her sleep, and I found her, much to my dismay. I was devastated, to say the least; it was like everything I had known had been a falsity and like my comfort and security had been torn apart with a chainsaw. Everything was in disarray and I entered a dark depression, unsure of how to fill the immense void that had suddenly encapsulated my being. I refused to leave my house, shave, shower, and simply exist. I had no idea of how I would, or could go on but fortunately, my sister Maaria, a few friends, and my mother were incredibly supportive. This ordeal ultimately brought my family closer together and made me appreciate them so much more.
A month passed and I knew I had to pick up and resume. I knew that it was wrong for me to be consumed by sorrow, as Sam never would've wanted it that way. She was always the biggest advocate of strength and resilience for me; one could deduce that she was incredibly strong-willed and confident within the first five minutes of being introduced to her. So, with this in mind, I tried to pick up the pieces and began applying for jobs, as a distraction would have been ideal to get my mind off of all the things that were bothering me, and eating away at my sanity. I started working briefly, but only until my sister Maaria, whom i had grown up with, got married in April. Although, there was dissonance around whether it was appropriate for her to still get married or not, it had already been planned and she was completely deserving of the little bit of joy it gave her; a moment's worth of serenity and clarity in the immediate calm after the storm.
I flew to Pakistan on the 10th of April, completely unexpectedly, as I was not planning to attend her wedding due to work. The three weeks I was there were highly needed as I was able to reflect, be introspective, and heal. I did not drink or partake in any illicit drugs for this period either, so this was my first bit of sobriety in what seemed like years. Her wedding took place over the course of four days, as is tradition with Pakistani weddings, and I was present through all of it. My sister, my other best friend, who had pinched me as a child to keep me in line and then battled bullies with me in the school-yard was getting married; something that was almost surreal to me. Her husband adores her and treats her with the utmost kindness, compassion and love and I instantly approved. I cried when I saw her in her wedding dress as she looked radiant and was the most beautiful bride I had ever seen, but I also cried as I was grateful that between Sam and myself, that one of us was there to support her and give her our blessing as she entered marital life.
Upon coming back to Canada, I had initially planned to proceed with the new outlook, and healthy (sober) lifestyle that I had been accustomed to for three weeks but then I relapsed again, always telling myself that I was fine with "Just a little taste," which turned into "A few drinks," and then ultimately, "Mind your own business." I convinced myself I was not an alcoholic once more, and stated that I never craved it, knowing internally that I did yet dreaded saying so, lest verbalizing it was synonymous with acceptance. Now, in retrospect, trying to count on two hands how many incidents, casualties, and arguments I have been in the past two years as a result of my drinking is impossible, which means it is time to stop.
Ending the year, I am in a good place. I have an incredible job and work with people that are wonderfully supportive and hilarious. I am in a relationship that is healthy, centred on communication, honesty, integrity, and respect; something that none of my past relationships had been simultaneously AND most importantly, I feel great about myself. I have stopped drinking, it's going on two weeks which is a HUGE deal for me, as I would normally spend around $2-300 a week on alcohol and going out, which is ridiculous.
Today, on the new year's eve, I plan to spend the day immersed in the mindset that will ensure a successful start to 2013. I have always thought that the way we spend our new year's eve would ultimately dictate how the rest of the year was spent. This was a year full of losses, love, ups, downs, and curve-balls but I wouldn't change it for a thing. It taught me how to be strong again, and how to be independent; it reminded me of my worth and my own mortality, that everything is impermanent. It showed me that I need to be better to myself and to my immediate family; my sister Maaria, my mother, my nieces and nephew are all deserving of the utmost love, and are worthy of the most positive and conscious version of myself. And lastly, it taught me to love myself from the inside out; friends and family may come and go, but in the end, I will always have myself and should ultimately shower myself with the utmost love/respect, for I will be all that I have at the end of the day.
Here's to a lovely, happy, healthy and wonderful start to the new year for all of you as well. I know it will be for me and I am happy and grateful that I am still here.
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