Kash Baloch — Poetry on Identity, Love, and Survival

I wanted gold but got coal instead, desired diamonds but you silenced me with slices of bread.  I asked for the world because I deserved it on a silver platter, you chose to disregard my demands, distracting me with idle chatter.  I learned to expect nothing so that I would appreciate everything, feeling entitled only increased my suffering.  Burdened by wants that centred on material goods, rotted my heart like termites feeding on wood.   I had to accept that rubies and rhinestones could never replace the attention that I so desperately craved. Little blue boxes or blue diamond pills were no match for the thrill of being fulfilled.  Swept away by the superficial which eventually lost their ability to impress as I lost sight of my self-respect, turning around to retrace my steps.  I silently slipped by the moments in our past where I felt bereft, the same moments I repressed my sadness convincing myself I was content.  I traipsed past the torment that ...

Subtle silhouettes that suggested how life could have been, examples that evoked images of a future so serene.  With or without you, I was destined to be happy, the greatest revenge I can deliver is my own apathy.  Not heartless, though I have learned to use my heart less, not cold although my insides are as frigid as the Arctic.  Predisposed to ugliness, I have come to expect the worst from all.  Humanity has become as mythical a concept as lost continents or Utopian waterfalls. Despite all this, I just wanted to grow with you, ignoring your penchant for inertia.  One look was all it took for me to see that love had lost again.  You stuttered, rambling about things that made little to no sense.  Claimed that leaving me was for my own good, that my happiness was your number one concern as though we shared a brain and somehow you had the right to state that I was not at peace.  Your cowardice cut deeper than any sword could ever cause me harm. ...

All affection abolished, removed from me as it had become obsolete.  Assassinated now though we were allies once, you shot the arrow that sealed my dreary fate.  Invaded by darkness, every blind turn leads to destruction.  The deserts are filled with life when compared to the desolation that has devoured my wasteland, preying on it from every angle until it was barren.  Annihilated by my own insecurities, even the most remote glimmer of hope becomes a welcome distraction from my despair.  Forced to fight, though you chose to flee, the greatest difference between you and I was your fear.  You left me stranded as you pulled away, creating excuses that were ambiguous and unfair.  Beads of sweat dance on my brow, the sweltering heat from the fire burning voraciously inside me is the light that guides my way when it's pitch black and I am rendered blind.  I walk through the valley of the shadow of death unperturbed by the misery reflected...

           ...

You played love intoxicating me like rain's melody until it became evident that you just wanted to get the best of me.  Double standard love that cut like a sword sharpened on both sides, the hypocrisy of your theories shone brightly as you chose to run and hide.  Instead of support, you offered me the coldest shoulder, oh how it froze.  Your cowardice could kill even the most callous rose.  I gave and gave of me, until my body was just skin, bones and sinews; you took, fed hungrily of me, until there was nothing left for you to grab on to.  It was then you turned and left, claiming that it was for the best; told me what you think I ought to do as though the cure can come so easily.  Easier said than done, my friend, your abandonment has made you my enemy.  I have survived much harder harder falls, always landing on my feet; you lacked the ingredients to make my recipe complete.  Turn the other cheek, avert your gaze if we see one another in the s...

The stars illuminated the sky, shining brighter than I had ever seen, though my innocence prevented me from suspecting they were warning me.   I lay my head down and slipped into the sweetest sleep before I was deceived by my own dreams.   In my deep slumber, I was oblivious to your men scaling my castle walls.   First there were two, then ten, then fifty armed men, ready to risk their lives until my fortress fell.   Your cowardice compelled you to attack with the moon as your accomplice, though even twilight could not conceal your poor sportsmanship.   Under siege under the stars with all of my knights in their beds, you set fire to my vulnerability then watched as my world burned.   I was forced awake as smoke filled my lungs, gasping for air as I became aware of your invasion.   My pride and stubbornness refused to be taken down without a fight, as I became more alert with every moment of that critical night.   Your cruel crusade was no m...

I wonder where you are and what you’re doing, curious to know who’s loving you. You invade my thoughts pervasively without warning, like an atomic bomb, each memory annihilates the landscape of my serenity.   I suppress my urge to reminisce about your cancerous kiss, now convinced that we were never meant to be.   The chemicals between us reacted so violently, that every turn led us to catastrophe.   Infiltrated by images of you, my sanity becomes diseased.   Deflated, I died a thousand times with you, tolerated your abuse for far too long.   Yet still the burning question remains of how I could still care for you, an emotion whose guilt cuts me like a guillotine.   Held hostage by the hostility that has locked itself inside my head and thrown away the key, your misery preferred my company.   Freedom from you is my fondest dream, a fantasy so frequent that it feels like reality though the truth remains that your toxicity infected my bloodstream. ...

I search the playgrounds of my past, distraught, hoping to locate the innocence I somehow lost.   I grieve for the little boy that believed mankind was inherently good.   In my rush to grow up, I raced through my childhood, though I now hunger for the purity that I shed too soon, replaced by the maturity which I had misunderstood.   Once I was exposed to the evil that has always coexisted in the world, my heart hardened unwilling to accept that I was now a flightless bird.   Subjected to abuse in every form, I began to think that I was solely capable of being scorned.   I would bathe in the hopes that my disdain would be swallowed by the drain; my contempt corroded my faith in humanity, as I allowed myself to be overcome by the darkness inside of me.   Instances of injustice around the world threw me over the edge, as I mourned for my innocence that was now dead.   Powerless, I conformed to the ugliness that surrounded me, hostility and hatred wor...

With each breath it becomes clearer that I have only now just started to live, ungrateful for so long, each day arrived and left with my unwillingness to accept that one of them could be my last.   I lived in the playgrounds of my past and in the fantasies of my future as though the present was a hindrance to the dreams of days that may never even arrive.   On auto-pilot as I raced towards false notions of success, failing to appreciate the beauty passing by in my rear view.   The gift of life, itself, was collecting dust from neglect forgotten on a shelf, ignored as I chased material possessions that I believed would define my worth. Mansions and Mercedes revered more than nature in all its glory, as the pages of my life were filled with greed, until encountering the worst and best of humanity helped me rewrite my story.   Seeing third world poverty up close helped wake me up, as I was conditioned to think having nothing was a tragedy; until I looked closer and...

Once a player always a player, they say, as though repeating this sentiment somehow makes it true. Similarly, old dogs and new tricks are a match made in Hell. It then becomes no surprise that so many of us fail, as society centres on concepts that leave little room for repentance. Why would a leopard attempt to change when its spots are permanent, when it can just resign to its fate instead? Change can only occur when coupled with a desire so strong it could move mountains. Growth is possible if we accept our flaws and then still humbly strive to blossom. We are reminded so often that we cannot transcend that this self-fulfilling prophecy leaves little room to make amends.   The cowardice of cheaters is worse than any other disease, in that it ravages trust so badly that it could reduce even the hardest stones to dust.   The focus is misplaced as every part of the act itself is scrutinized, when the antecedents or emotions involved are ignored, as though they are unworth...