Journey.

The saddest day of my life was unexpected and blindsighted me in a single, sorrowful instant, time stood still that very day as I was forced to accept that it was not a misprint. Frozen, I stood not wanting to accept that you had been chosen, to return to God to watch over us, you were always so ambrosian. My voice failed me, as I tried to hold my head up high and stand tall and strong, not wanting to reveal that I really felt like it would get caught in my chest, like the saddest song. Now I sing the blues, for I know what real pain can do; how it can turn one's frown upside down, leaving them feeling worse than if they had been subdued. I wish I could undo the sadness, or turn back the hands of time, wish I could dismiss my ability to reminisce, and gain eternal sunshine in my spotless mind. I watched your slow decline, saw your spirit slowly begin to give up, and then to fade; instead of reverting to the lost little boy I was when first subjected with loss, I will count my blessings, and not allow myself to be afraid. Your legacy will live on through me, as my persona is such a positive reflection of yours; already, the opportunist in me, is finding the optimism that lies within me, as I now see all of the exciting newly opened doors. The fire inside me has brightened, and gains power with each new day, as the determination within me enlightens, my ambition has returned much stronger now than it was yesterday. I have let go of all hostility and hatred, started a new chapter with a clean slate; tabula rasa tenderness that will be sure to help me improve my fate. My destiny will be fulfilled, as I am now going to be working for two, I will grow wiser, as change truly comes with the desire to do so, my motivation will be resilient, and refuse to be removed. The sun shines sweetly as it rises, embracing the world for a new day and with it a new start; losing you was hard but will ultimately be the catalyst that reignited the spark that died inside my heart. My journey begins now, not with a single step, but with a giant bound, I can gladly, and fortunately say that upon being reminded of my own mortality, I have found the reasons to regain solid ground.

Reptile.

The lack of communication brought on the demise of our relations, like an ancient civilization, falling apart; it all resulted in the overwhelming frustration that led to the condemnation of my bruised and battered, broken heart. We were of Atlantis, as our continent slowly flooded, entering a state of total disrepair. Sumerian Gods could not have saved us, for ours had become a planet devoid of oxygen, how were we supposed to breathe with no air? Slowly but surely, our lifelines were cut, as we floated much too far out at sea, with the remaining strength within me, I prayed for salvation, for an escape, or an end to the misery of your company. I stayed because you made it so convenient, gave me stability and security at the cost of my very soul. Naive and foolish me, like a kitten, I continued to drink the poisoned milk that you would provide for me, endlessly, in the most deceiving bowls. I watched you stray, silently, refusing to accept that we had reached our untimely end. Foolishly, I denied the truth, and attempted to keep you around, confusing you for my dearest friend. But alas, in the end, my heart was unable to mend as I continued to pretend that redemption was just around the bend. You laid me out like dirty laundry, belittled me at every opportunity, made it your goal to remind me of my unforgivable flaws. Take your place at centre stage, and bow as your audience gives you a standing ovation; here comes your shower of applause. I wish you had the decency to tell me that you were through with me instead of feigning interest through the form of careful control. I would definitely be different now if that were the case, but I would not be as wise, as you taught me the greatest lessons; I grew wiser and more bold. I learned to be accepting, never jealous, or overbearing but instead to share my feelings, be trusting, and more caring. Your skin might shed with each new year, yet I still see through the smoke and wonder. You are a reptile, with scaly skin, always wishing the worst for others, competing with them until you trick yourself into believing that you have succeeded at stealing their thunder. Your tongue flicks in and out of your mouth as you lasciviously search for your next unsuspecting victim or prey, hopefully your efforts are one day in vein, as society becomes privy to the games that you attempt to play. You were a snake in sheep's clothing, fortunately I finally saw through the facade and left. I have survived as a result, I am not one to be played, or grow old, lonely, or become bereft. I have finally been set free, liberated long enough to catch my breath.

Critic.

Denial, like a double sided sword, cuts deeper when coupled with remorse, as reality and its harshness has started to run its course. Grief grows thicker than fog making it hard to see the tunnel, let alone the light at its dreary end, as I muster all of my knowledge in the attempt to comprehend how to create a new beginning from a story that refuses to end. Something from nothing but at what cost, how much more compromise will it take before I have mastered the art of being my own boss? Soul searching should not feel selfish, yet for some reason it always does, as the inability to accept things for what they are has started to deeply affect the beauty that once was. If I could, I would rewind time to the days when life always seemed so easy, instead my present preyed on my past, making the world that surrounded me become so sleazy. Shadowed by my doubts, my potential stagnates inside me like milk that sits on the counter waiting to turn sour, as I pace and watch life pass me by, and wonder when it will be my hour. When will the sun shine for me, showing me that all was naught in vain; when will my universe unfold so I can feel at peace within my soul again? I slowly watch as each one of my dreams miscarries or is still-born, dead on arrival ambition of mine tends to break me, and make me feel so torn. Distraught, I dance dead behind the eyes, forcing my feelings to fly away, repressing them, and donning a disguise. I crave clarity to supplement the logic and reason that long to be let out, I am my harshest critic on the coldest days, what happened to the confidence that once emanated within me, and filled me from the inside out. I know I have limitless success lying dormant in me, waiting to be tapped into, yet I foolishly give up before tasting the failure which once had the ability to make me feel renewed. I will march on, and carry on, remove this monkey from my back. I will believe in myself and know my dreams wil be achieved, no longer falling victim to my endless, scrutiny and attacks. The king is back, and will be better than he ever was before; I may have been yesterday's fool, but I will never be today, or tomorrow's postwar whore.

Never Be The Same Again.

Time stands still as it all still feels so surreal, refusing to speed up so my heart can heal. My mind races with questions as denial pulses through my veins, like abstract art, this life has become a mystery to my brain. Childless parents and parentless children, we can become orphans in a single, somber instant. Wartorn world that we live in is imperfect as can be, yet the selfishness that ravages my insides wishes that you were still here with me. Words turn into water in the palm of my hands, slipping away from my cognition like the finest grains of sand, yet I still cannot understand why death tears apart my Wonderland. Although I am a soldier and have survived many atrocities, I would go through it all again to have my best friend right next to me. My role model is gone, I am like a sheep without its shepherd now, as I look to the stars that light up the night sky and dare to ask my maker how. How is it that dictators, hatemongers, and ugliness remain yet beauty is taken away so young, like a runaway train? How does my heart not overflow with the pain that threatens to devour it whole, now that it is no longer surrounded by your beautiful soul? Unconsoled, I lay my head down every night refusing to allow the tears that threaten to trickle from my eyes, for they will cry rivers for the injustice that I feel, even though time will eventually be kind and allow another sun to rise. Sometimes strength fails me and I become as weak and innocent as a young child devoid of pride, as I solemnly search for a hand to hold, someone to lean on, or somewhere to hide. Without you, there is no me, I feel like I ceased to exist with your untimely end. At times you were the only one who saw the soul that cried inside me, and that is when you were my only friend. Lonely now, I try to pick up the pieces of the scattered memories that remain, like fragments of shrapnel, they pierce my heart like a dagger, I will never be the same again.