Distinct.

Belittled for so long by my own bitterness, each step in the right direction led me right to failure's dreary doorstep.  Success kept me at bay, its no vacancy sign was a thorn in my side every time.  Through comparing myself to every other living creature, the contrast too strong to handle; so I trembled, giving in to my fears of inadequacy instead.  I tried, strived, then thrived for so long in vain as I refused to acknowledge the demons that denied me of my rest.  Bereft, each right turn was all that I had left.  Rock bottom blues of mine had become my only friends in the most difficult of times, as I cried for salvation and begged for relief, each feeble attempt was never met with reprieve.  Life became a wizard that charmed me with the many tricks hidden inside its sleeves as I became hypnotized by all the ways that I could be detrimental to me.  Like Snow White's wicked queen, I sought out to eradicate all of my own beauty.  Poisons and spells, elixirs and pills all conspired against me making me ill.  Jaded as I convinced myself that waking up was the hardest part, that somehow each day was a battle as I forgot to focus on the bigger picture; the masterpiece that I could have been although I would not put in the effort needed to get better.  Suddenly, it all became too much.  I desperately reached for the gasoline that would enrage my fire, naively believing that it was what would put out the flames that fed on my fears and were satiated with my sorrow.  I had enough and filed a restraining order against the part of me that prayed for death.  My weakness resided inside of me all along, and just needed to be acknowledged.  I had to finally accept that I was all that was making me sick; I was the cause of it and the effect was making me derelict.  My pain, although immense, was still not enough to make me end as it became clear as perfect vision that all I needed was to mend by becoming my own best friend.  I pulled up my sleeves, hopefully for the last time, and promised to conquer my own infatuation with defeat.  I became a martyr for my own cause, choosing to die instead of continuing to live propelled by the lie that I was okay when I was reeling with hurt and confused as I could not see that it was solely I that was to blame.  I will rise, stronger as I do, always better than the last version of myself that I shed like snakeskin in the Sahara.  I will persevere, prevail like the tigers forced to relocate because of mankind but continue to fight to stay alive.  No, I will not become endangered although I have tried too many times to make myself extinct.  On the very brink of rescue as I thank God above for giving me another chance to clearly think about the many ways I am beautiful; I count my blessings, once again, for I have been reminded that I am distinct.

Test.

I wanted gold but got coal instead, desired diamonds but you silenced me with slices of bread.  I asked for the world because I deserved it on a silver platter, you chose to disregard my demands, distracting me with idle chatter.  I learned to expect nothing so that I would appreciate everything, feeling entitled only increased my suffering.  Burdened by wants that centred on material goods, rotted my heart like termites feeding on wood.   I had to accept that rubies and rhinestones could never replace the attention that I so desperately craved. Little blue boxes or blue diamond pills were no match for the thrill of being fulfilled.  Swept away by the superficial which eventually lost their ability to impress as I lost sight of my self-respect, turning around to retrace my steps.  I silently slipped by the moments in our past where I felt bereft, the same moments I repressed my sadness convincing myself I was content.  I traipsed past the torment that turned me into this subdued version of me, the same terror that made me settle by assuming that I was happy.  Liberty deferred for promises of trips around the globe, as though I was a bare naked doll that needed to be clothed.  You can keep your sorrow, invest in your own guilt, as I work quickly to remove every brick by boring brick of the house that your false promises built. Deserted like the Sahara, Mojave or Gobi, you claimed to love me, yet like rain, your absence proved you were not meant for me.  I thought you were a jewel though you  were hardly even a gem, as common as copper pennies that are now condemned.  Obsolete now, you took your leave long before I let go, so I must rebuild my walls, you will burn like the heat from a thousand suns from my success.  I will not look back, never, as I learn to accept that this was all just a test.

Absence.

Subtle silhouettes that suggested how life could have been, examples that evoked images of a future so serene.  With or without you, I was destined to be happy, the greatest revenge I can deliver is my own apathy.  Not heartless, though I have learned to use my heart less, not cold although my insides are as frigid as the Arctic.  Predisposed to ugliness, I have come to expect the worst from all.  Humanity has become as mythical a concept as lost continents or Utopian waterfalls. Despite all this, I just wanted to grow with you, ignoring your penchant for inertia.  One look was all it took for me to see that love had lost again.  You stuttered, rambling about things that made little to no sense.  Claimed that leaving me was for my own good, that my happiness was your number one concern as though we shared a brain and somehow you had the right to state that I was not at peace.  Your cowardice cut deeper than any sword could ever cause me harm.  I took a chance on you only to discover that I was being used.  My life had made loyalty and strength two of my greatest allies, whilst yours clearly taught you to run and hide when skies were gray.  How can one that fears his own shadow provide comfort to one who has no fear at all?  You would retreat from the slightest hint of conflict, immediately burying your head into the sand.  Your weakness became a problem when it became clear as fresh water lakes that you would never be armed to fight for anything that was right.  Not a man but a mouse, nor a boy but a clown.  The kind of leopard that changed its spots so frequently, consistency an enemy that you chose of your own accord.  I had enough, so I wrung my hands, lifted my chin and took my leave.  In your absence, although slightly empty, I am rediscovering the joys of me.  My integrity prevents me from losing sight of my morality; my goals, although important, would not allow for me to step on anybody's toes to reach the top.  A king among men, I am, although my humility permitted me to parlay with mere peasants.  In your absence, I am gold; the void you have left will not be hard to fill.  

Battlefield.

All affection abolished, removed from me as it had become obsolete.  Assassinated now though we were allies once, you shot the arrow that sealed my dreary fate.  Invaded by darkness, every blind turn leads to destruction.  The deserts are filled with life when compared to the desolation that has devoured my wasteland, preying on it from every angle until it was barren.  Annihilated by my own insecurities, even the most remote glimmer of hope becomes a welcome distraction from my despair.  Forced to fight, though you chose to flee, the greatest difference between you and I was your fear.  You left me stranded as you pulled away, creating excuses that were ambiguous and unfair.  Beads of sweat dance on my brow, the sweltering heat from the fire burning voraciously inside me is the light that guides my way when it's pitch black and I am rendered blind.  I walk through the valley of the shadow of death unperturbed by the misery reflected within, as I have been desensitized in a sense by my own rejection of attachment.  Impermanence infects everything from ice that melts leaving behind a watery trail to the loved ones that support us without fail.  Nothing is forever as everything changes and falls apart, all good things must come to an end yet still it's always better to have loved and lost than not at all.  A heart devoid of love is like a soul sabotaged by strife, like the stars without their light, or the unexamined life.  Trust teetered between us as you had never learned to love yourself; blaming yourself for my detriment as though I was only conceived when we first met.  A lifetime of longing was ultimately highly lacking in that it only led me to cross your pitiful path.  Love does not turn away, it grabs a sword and prepares for battle.  My love is never led astray, it perseveres until it crosses the finish line every single time, until all hail the victorious.  Unwavering, flawed but I do not falter as I accept that I am infallible and prone to making mistakes from which I always learn.  The pages of our feigned fairy tale romance seared, caught fire then burned leaving nothing but ashes; each ember testament to the truth that we were never meant to be.  With charred fingers from holding hands that singed every time they touched, I search the remnants of us scattered throughout a cemetery devoted to our rotten love.  I became an impediment to you, a mere thorn you so easily pulled from your side.  Deserted again, as I must now take in stride the anguish that accompanies being repeatedly denied.