We cut our losses more often than counting our blessings,
hyper-focused on all the wrongs without ever thinking of ways to make it right.
In the first few moments after the storm that was us, I remained silent,
afraid that my heart beating violently inside my chest would explode,
revealing how vulnerable I was right then.
I obsessed about ways to convince you to return, as though
my happiness was dependent on your existence in my life.
I was wrong.
With each hour, the fog clears and I see you for what you really are.
I see the flaws, the scars, then hear the accusations as loudly
as if they were being shouted directly into my ear.
I was never enough,
you were never enough;
we were never enough and that is exactly why we failed.
Moving forward, I will not allow my spirit to break when abandoned
time and time again by someone incapable of stepping up to the plate
and offering support when it is needed, instead of running for the hills,
tail between legs like you did.
Initially, I was desperate, only able to think of you in a positive light
but now I am reminded of the reasons why we would not have survived
even if presented with much simpler circumstances.
I was your first, which justifies your lack of experience in dealing with matters of the heart.
You were so callous, more stubborn than the running bulls of Spain
as you were ever refusing to make amends or attempt to make things good again.
It was me that was always left scrambling to pick up the pieces
that cut me like shards of glass from broken dishes in the kitchen after a domestic situation.
Yet somehow we would find our way back into one another's arms, without fail,
we continued to try to create something from the nothingness that prevailed.
Time after time, I took to alcohol and other poisons
when all I needed was to accept that my spirit was broken and could not heal
until it was free again.
Displaced, it became difficult to comprehend whether I was grieving the loss of you
or relieved that we were finally through
and that the sadness was only there because I had fallen in love with you.
I can now look back and agree it is best we washed our hands clean of the mess that
we repeatedly found ourselves in.
Liberty is worth the loneliness that ebbs and flows,
stronger some days and barely noticeable on others,
when it is as faint as inaudible whispers out at sea.
The freedom to make my own choices again, devoid of judgement
is more valuable to me than remaining deluded,
convinced that you were the reason why I was happy,
an emotion I truly have not known for quite some time.
Happiness was the stranger whose name I knew but
whose face I could not recognize no matter how hard I tried.
I have always known that I can only bend and that I will never break,
for each trip through the streets of love strips me of my desire for intimacy.
Better alone than made to feel ashamed day in and out
for actions that were in the past, best to be honest with myself
and admit that we had moved too fast,
or that our foundation was built too carelessly to ever last.
My guards were not just down but had been obliterated entirely
which served me right for foolishly letting another human being in to the sacred,
sometimes putrid, sanctuary I worked so hard to rebuild.
My fault for falling in love again despite knowing
that love and I were as dangerous a pair as gunpowder and a match;
I always got burned.
My skin charred, I looked disheveled as I crawled out of the destruction left in our wake,
too damaged to even consider repair,
the only viable option is to relocate and start anew.
Surely the wasteland I find myself in now is still better knowing that
I am in control and can either create a magnificent world of beauty
or an abominable monstrosity. It is still more preferable than
the fate we narrowly escaped of watery graves
that would have resulted from remaining aboard our sinking ship.
I inhale strength and exhale hate now as I leave you
and us in the past where we belong,
unwilling to revisit the ghost town that previous versions of us will haunt
until the end of time.
My walls return higher than ever, reinforced with cement and steel now
to prevent any more criminals from getting in;
unchained now, as I embark on a journey to
the new world with no regrets.
I have learned all of my lessons and am now better prepared than ever
for the final test.
I am overcome with relief now that our dying sun has finally set.
hyper-focused on all the wrongs without ever thinking of ways to make it right.
In the first few moments after the storm that was us, I remained silent,
afraid that my heart beating violently inside my chest would explode,
revealing how vulnerable I was right then.
I obsessed about ways to convince you to return, as though
my happiness was dependent on your existence in my life.
I was wrong.
With each hour, the fog clears and I see you for what you really are.
I see the flaws, the scars, then hear the accusations as loudly
as if they were being shouted directly into my ear.
I was never enough,
you were never enough;
we were never enough and that is exactly why we failed.
Moving forward, I will not allow my spirit to break when abandoned
time and time again by someone incapable of stepping up to the plate
and offering support when it is needed, instead of running for the hills,
tail between legs like you did.
Initially, I was desperate, only able to think of you in a positive light
but now I am reminded of the reasons why we would not have survived
even if presented with much simpler circumstances.
I was your first, which justifies your lack of experience in dealing with matters of the heart.
You were so callous, more stubborn than the running bulls of Spain
as you were ever refusing to make amends or attempt to make things good again.
It was me that was always left scrambling to pick up the pieces
that cut me like shards of glass from broken dishes in the kitchen after a domestic situation.
Yet somehow we would find our way back into one another's arms, without fail,
we continued to try to create something from the nothingness that prevailed.
Time after time, I took to alcohol and other poisons
when all I needed was to accept that my spirit was broken and could not heal
until it was free again.
Displaced, it became difficult to comprehend whether I was grieving the loss of you
or relieved that we were finally through
and that the sadness was only there because I had fallen in love with you.
I can now look back and agree it is best we washed our hands clean of the mess that
we repeatedly found ourselves in.
Liberty is worth the loneliness that ebbs and flows,
stronger some days and barely noticeable on others,
when it is as faint as inaudible whispers out at sea.
The freedom to make my own choices again, devoid of judgement
is more valuable to me than remaining deluded,
convinced that you were the reason why I was happy,
an emotion I truly have not known for quite some time.
Happiness was the stranger whose name I knew but
whose face I could not recognize no matter how hard I tried.
I have always known that I can only bend and that I will never break,
for each trip through the streets of love strips me of my desire for intimacy.
Better alone than made to feel ashamed day in and out
for actions that were in the past, best to be honest with myself
and admit that we had moved too fast,
or that our foundation was built too carelessly to ever last.
My guards were not just down but had been obliterated entirely
which served me right for foolishly letting another human being in to the sacred,
sometimes putrid, sanctuary I worked so hard to rebuild.
My fault for falling in love again despite knowing
that love and I were as dangerous a pair as gunpowder and a match;
I always got burned.
My skin charred, I looked disheveled as I crawled out of the destruction left in our wake,
too damaged to even consider repair,
the only viable option is to relocate and start anew.
Surely the wasteland I find myself in now is still better knowing that
I am in control and can either create a magnificent world of beauty
or an abominable monstrosity. It is still more preferable than
the fate we narrowly escaped of watery graves
that would have resulted from remaining aboard our sinking ship.
I inhale strength and exhale hate now as I leave you
and us in the past where we belong,
unwilling to revisit the ghost town that previous versions of us will haunt
until the end of time.
My walls return higher than ever, reinforced with cement and steel now
to prevent any more criminals from getting in;
unchained now, as I embark on a journey to
the new world with no regrets.
I have learned all of my lessons and am now better prepared than ever
for the final test.
I am overcome with relief now that our dying sun has finally set.
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