Kash Baloch — Poetry on Identity, Love, and Survival

I have a dream that our fight for civil rights will not end in sleepless nights, a fantasy that we can live in harmony with equality acting as the bridge that connects you and me. I dream of unity between man, woman and beast instead of the hatred that manifests as violence erupting in the streets and under the sheets. My reverie has been interrupted by the greed that oppresses and hides in deceit filled fleets. One ship prepared for battle and another for war, as our chests heave with anger until we have all become casualties of the rich, though we remain poor. This eye for an eye ideology has made the world blind, forgiveness unheard of in a world where love has been left behind. I had a dream that justice was real, that our hearts would stay open, instead our blood has congealed. Humanity, the only race, instead of socially constructed labels we were assigned to keep us in our right place. I have a dream one day man will be judged not by the colour of his skin but ...

A coma would even be better than the reality that is my most skilled enemy. Numb from anesthesia would be sweeter than being forced to cope. Desensitized by sedatives so I could get some peace. Dead man walking now that I've forgotten how to sleep. My thoughts possess me making my skin crawl like my anxiety is composed of fleas. I am my harshest critic when I ostracize myself for believing my own lies. Always waiting for a new day to arrive although my sun refuses to rise. Time was supposed to heal all wounds but cuts me instead, unwilling to let me rest. Cancer would even be better on me as it would come equipped with pain that I could see. Anguish from traumatic events are not tangible; invisible to the world, so I feel it is an unworthy defense. Suffering in this state is only understood by others privy to emotional pain. If only it were simple to explain, and stigma was not saved for illnesses that exist inside our brains. I was meant for so much more than this ...

When I break, I fall like Autumn leaves the trees barren for the winter; like a lover that has taken all it can before departing. Beautiful to behold the spectacle right before I hit the floor, stripped bare. All the reds reflected in my eyes, my ire overwhelming me with such arrogant anxiety. Denied of you, the air, the oxygen that I had depended on to help me breathe, my world becomes diseased and waits for winter's cold to numb the pain. My blood has frozen inside me as the reaper waits restlessly through the delay caused by a deathbed made of sharp snow; such a contrast, to the softness of it when I was young and innocent still. The pieces of me are scattered and on display for all to see and scrutinize. I am brutally aware, for the first time, that I have spent my life waiting for a sun that refused to rise. My demise is imminent now that the seasons change; a sobering reminder that life will always go on whether or not I am inspired to evolve or resigned to rot. Th...

My high threshold for emotional pain became like anesthesia, numbing me from the inside out as the contents of my soul had somehow developed amnesia. I was filled with such ravenous rage that it tore my skin from my bone, like acid rain. My heart was like a furnace overheating, desperate to silence my internal suffering that had become so scathing. Wanting to be left alone to wallow in my maladaptive misery, I let the ink stain my skin, just once, in the hope that it would set me free from my artificial reality. I was enslaved by my anger, as hostility reigned supreme inside of me, it was like cancer. My tears were the permanent tattoos that no one could know, my vulnerability made me feel weaker with each perceived blow to my ego. Naive and perhaps a product of my environment as I wrote blood and guts on my arm, in Japanese, as my eternal punishment. It acts as a reminder now, a vigil of sorts to the hardened persona that is no more. In his place is the lost and afraid li...

Chain-smoking, choking back tears from years of being broken, I find it more difficult than ever to melt my heart that has became an expert at being frozen. Like a bell that chimes to deaf ears, I know it is time for me to disappear, as I feel like a guest that's not only overstayed their welcome but also lost everyone's respect. I have became the poster child for neglect, now that I've made a habit of running from anything that could make me upset. Layers of build-up have made me smile on the surface when I feel completely worthless, like a lie, repeated enough to make it real. We have only just begun to scratch the skin of the shipwreck that lies within. As I descend, I see that each tier is a level into the fiery pits of Hell. It seemed harder to conceal the tireless trauma than to learn to cope motivated by the possibility of getting stronger. There was no method to my madness when I lashed out at nearly everyone, accusing anyone but me for my own sadness....

You and I were the best team, we could've been in the major leagues. I wanted us forever, as I know that we were destined to be together. You were my hands when my own forgot how to feel, the cure for my wounds that never seemed to want to heal. My vision obscured by enemies I could not see, as I sat cross legged and prayed for clarity in a field of broken dreams. I didn't hear well enough to listen to your fears. I had grown accustomed to ignoring any sense or logic. So it's no surprise now that I've been forgotten. The only taste I know is bitterness now, its acidity more acrid with each blow. Falling apart without security is not reassuring, as I am covered in doubts that keep me from blooming. Open my mouth to speak,wanting to beg you to stay, though I've lost the words that could keep you from slipping away. I beg of you to give us one more chance but then question how I could ever change the circumstances. Separated now, my ego is to blame ...

If love is patient and love is kind, then why does ignore the tears we bring to our lover's eyes? How can I love another soul only to lose all self-control, barricade myself in a room with insults and obscenities as the padding on its walls. I love unconditionally, without expectation, then harbour resentment which materializes as frustration when it's not reciprocated. If love does not envy then tell me, how did I feel resentful of the simplicity with which my partner loved me, when my own journey was an emotional, and wild ride? Uncharacteristic of love to boast or be proud, yet my own experiences with it fill me with guilt that permanently lingers, like a storm-cloud that shrouds the world in grey, then turns it upside down. Love is not meant to dishonour others, yet here we are ashamed that we let down our guard. If only I had held on tighter, neither of us would now be lost. Remorse is a wicked thing as it will not let me let go, knowing I have caused you pain and...

Logic would be appreciated if it helped me figure out a way to be okay, to survive each tragedy, like acts of terrorism that leave me shaken but unscathed. I no longer believe in miracles now that hope has let me down. I had faith once, too, until it showed me that we are all alone, until the day we die and from the moment we are born. In theory, all the strategies to stay safe sounded like they could work, until I tried to practice them and saw that my anger could not be reversed. Deterred and feeling desperate, I tried to stay hanging on though my grip was weakening with each new blow that I was dealt. Reason became unreasonable to me, as fictitious now as fairy tales of mermaids in the sea. Unable to accept the desert that I woke up and found myself dehydrated in, although I could acknowledge that my aggression was responsible for my loved ones' abandonment. Unrealistic to assume the casualties of the war I waged against myself were saints and could repeatedly forgiv...

In you I saw the world, you became the eighth wonder faster than I could run away. But then you took me by surprise, I was caught off guard and shell-shocked when you left me, now I'm blind. My soul was elated by your touch, I felt like the only man alive from your attention. Now I have been robbed of my ability to feel, my nerves unnerved in your absence. I swear I can still smell the fragrance of your breath that gave me chills. Each day seems longer and more empty now that you're not here. Homesick because I miss the distraction that I felt inside your arms. Hours could pass and then you'd depart, oh how I craved you then, wishing you would stay. Almost as if I knew a day would come when we'd say our last goodbyes. Now I'm burning; my dreams can only be satisfied by you. Validated by your existence, now the threads holding me together become loose. I am still under your spell, just one look from you and I could fall again. Hopeful that our story is...

I am angered by apathy and others' ignorance most often as their incompetence is unfounded in an age where information is readily available at the click of a button. Hatred and bigotry are not inherent yet are as common as if they were innate. Learned behaviours prevail as an eye for an eye ideology has left the whole world blind. I try to avoid judgment though it's difficult when I encounter so many passersby that are unkind. A man's character should be assessed based on the contents of his heart yet still some have been infected by greed for money and power, the reasons why wars start. Incensed by the lack of empathy that exists in a world controlled by consumerism, as though worth can be measured by the materials we possess. Annoyed by arrogance, I strive to stay conscious of my confidence and grounded by my acceptance of the impermanence of all. Bothered by blind faith which burns throughout the human race, as we are forced into a system that has no place for f...

My efforts are like rescuers that saved me when depression left me bereft and lost at sea. Floating in a life preserver, with doubts inside of me that were more ferocious than a Bengal tiger. Dangerously close to the edge, and on the brink of extinction, I peeled back the layers of my guards that made my eyes cry like onions. I watched helplessly as the remnants of my security were swallowed by the relentless waters of the Indian ocean, deprived of graves, their final resting place was in the Marianas Trench. Somehow I made it out alive and managed to do so even though I was soaking wet and drenched. I learned to tame the beasts that were my fears that if monetized, would have made me a billionaire. Somehow I stayed afloat, in retrospect, it was my hope and faith that worked behind the scenes to keep me safe and sound. Ashamed to admit that there were far too many days that I believed it would've been better if I had just drowned. Denial filled my head, echoing like screams t...

Drip drop as the intravenous tries to nourish me, tick tock time passes and I wait in anguish for an end to my suffering. Squish, crunch went my heart crushed under your foot like a cockroach. Popped my dreams for the future like a balloon as I zip up the sutures, closing my open wounds. Clapping thunder crashed outside my window; it only rains now that you're gone. We clashed like titans, our hungry egos were the ammunition that ultimately sunk both our battleships. Clicked my heels together twice, three times, hoping it would help me like ruby red slippers on Dorothy's homesick feet. In our last days, a cough could even set me off; I now regret that I could be so unkind. Flushed now as I reflect on all we left behind; all the pieces of us scattered around the world make me groan as I realize we hardly even tried. My stomach growls like a feral child raised by wolves and other creatures in the wild. Grumble, as I wish we never crumbled collapsing underneath the wei...

You are an amateur claiming to be on my level, yet your life reads like a comedy, your looks are equally disheveled. Trying to ascend, your feeble attempts to social climb are irrelevant, laughable and unphotographable just like a funny Valentine. I am expertly skilled at what I do, undefeated even at my worst as you, despite all of your efforts, are like a balloon filled with more than enough hot air to make you burst. Unraveling, your seams are slowly but surely coming undone in front of everyone,  it's clear for even the blind to see that you're not fooling anyone. Equipped with only basic qualities, you're barely a beginner and yet you still try to compete with the likes of me. I will always win, victory courses through my veins. I am comprised of triumph, defeating you will come as easily as any of the trophies I have fairly won. I hold the deed, the title to your properties; the landlord of all that you could even imagine or aspire to be. Deluded, as you ...

A dream is a wish your heart makes and I know mine has been granted as I have been given a fresh lease on life; I feel like I am enchanted. I will no longer give into grief or let depression seep into me. I have promised myself to stay committed to the sobriety which will set me free. The magnificent beast inside me has been defeated, my rage is now extinct. I am the master of the game, my demons exorcised in a blink. All it took was time to truly let my wounds heal, as the introspection allowed for me to remember how to feel. I was as angry as a warrior that wanted to avenge his ancestors' honour, like a soldier in the trenches armed and ready for battle. I forced everyone around me to walk on eggshells as the slightest misstep would wake this dragon from its slumber; they were David, I was Goliath when I incited terror with my voice that echoed like thunder. Voracious and vile, I would not stop until I was the victor though I only saw the damage I caused when all was...

In an instant, all was calm again as you came along and chased the pain. We connected as naturally as birds and bees, our love coursing through my veins revived my depraved heart. Happiness comes from within but you made me see that life is not the same without it. You cured the cardiac arrest that made me seize and closed off to letting anybody in. Like the wind, you soothed my soul when it burned with restlessness. For a short period in time, I recognized the power of real love; stabilized my vital signs, like insulin, you made everything right again. Now that you've gone away, I am forced to pick up the pieces of me that I never wanted to address, all the parts of me that I learned to suppress by ignoring my loneliness. You were the deejay that removed the blues from my playlist, the master that made me a slave to love whose existence I had tried so hard to deny. I naively protected myself in vain as though I had lost the very ability which had controlled me all of ...

An unmanned piano plays our song aggressively as though possessed. I exhale and see my breath, it is colder than the Arctic in your absence. The wind howls outside my window and I can swear it has your voice, it's calling me. Like footsteps in an abandoned house, I am still haunted by you and me. I have returned to hiding not wanting my presence to be known, a phantom in this world desperate to be reunited with you, my soul. Our tragedy replays in my head like a chilling horror movie scene, my pain made me a monster although that is no excuse for the torment or abuse I put you through. Haunted by you now, our memories like graves of loved ones that died prematurely; they line the cemetery that is my brain in rows that will never be complete. No longer inhabited by human life that has ceased, our world succumbed to loneliness and is covered in disease. Devoid of life, it starts to fall apart and decay; all because you left me, why did you have to go away? You haunt me ...

Comedy is a comforting mask that helps me cope when I am encompassed by darkness that infects my world and paints it black. I am imprisoned by my own thoughts, anxiety reveals its ugliness cheapening any sense of accomplishment that I might have. I grip reality, desperately, so I am not pulled into the burning inferno underground that threatens to devour me whole; it is my personal Hell. I do my best to embody my interpretation of normal, attempt to see things in a positive light despite my knowledge that my glass is broken, not half full. My smile is as carefully constructed as a house of cards, one wrong move and all of me comes crashing down to the ground. Tears well in the corner of my eyes as I question why but know that God works in mysterious ways. When will my sadness be replaced by my life that permanently remains on hold. I wish I could hit rewind and return to the point where roads diverged; I would choose wisely this time instead of chasing petulant dreams that have ...

The darkest parts of me screamed bloody murder, ignoring the truth that I deserved to be left high and dry. I accused God of abandonment, cursing my beloved as though I was devoid of fault or sin. My wrath wreaked havoc as it sought to exact revenge for events that only ever occurred inside my head. My vengeance more vain than Narcissus whose own reflection was responsible for his watery demise. A glutton for self indulgence, I feasted on your sanity until you were consumed then picked at your bones as if they were dessert. Envious of your ability to love, I would never admit that I aspired to taint it with my deep seated jealousy that was conceived long before you arrived. Like a sloth, lethargy atrophied every muscle in the body of us then assumed we'd survive instead of making any effort. Comatose, I chose to cope by sedating even the most faint glimmer of hope. Ravenous my eyes bewildered by lust as I grew infatuated with the mere idea of gaining then draining your trust. Lasci...