Control.

There are moments in life where the only possible options are to lose control.  To simply let go, allowing the black hole that remained just out of sight to suddenly devour us whole, encompassing us in a darkness unmatched by even eternal slumber.  Those of us that are stronger, and can hold on for slightly longer continue to do so, avoiding, evading, ignoring until all is forgotten once again and brushed under the proverbial rug.  Then there are those of us who have tried so hard to remain standing, to stay upright pretending that we are immune to the overwhelming pressure that is gravity.  No, not us, we will not be shaken, even if just for one more solitary day.  We all tend to conveniently forget the support system that each and every single one of us possess and have had since the beginning of time.  Aside from our conscience (what greater than our most basic, natural instinct that helps guide us through the landscapes of our lives) some of our families, counselors, professors, friends and overall loved ones would love to hear from us; whether for guidance or even just an encouraging word or reminder that you still care. 

Deciding to lose control is half the battle whilst accepting it is the other half.  Firstly, we need to somehow convince our stubborn egos to accept that we can no longer cope with the paths which our lives have taken and need to reevaluate. Then we must constantly remind ourselves that we are taking the reigns and changing the course of our voyages.  Our ego responds with denial, doubt, anger as our defenses shoot up with the false belief that they somehow protect us.  Already in a state of vulnerability, we counter-intuitively make efforts to prevent ourselves from appearing vulnerable as our ego is rooted in image and others' perception of us.  We could desperately need to take a step back and relinquish control temporarily although doing so would portray us as weak, cowardly or unstable.  Asking for help when needed is often mistaken as a flaw although it is a strength; to be aware of and then utilize one's resources translates as being self-aware and almost humble to know and accept that you are loved and are so valuable.

Losing control, though seen as destructive, can be healing in that it allows us to take a step back and begin a metamorphosis of sorts.  I have lost control many times, of my emotions, impulses, and addictions, to name a few.  It is a traumatic experience to be centred on maintaining control and then having to accept that you are not in control; similar to a life's work dedicated to evolution and then finding out it was all fiction.  As someone with many compulsions, the energy I allocated to appearing to be in control was now free to be utilized to reeducate myself on how to maintain balance through a routine of sorts and by familiarizing myself with moderation, a concept which my ego regarded as inferior and an issue that only attached itself to weaker minds.  I convinced myself I was invincible and capable of anything I put my mind to, ignoring the rampant alcoholism within my family, conveniently forgetting my own mental health history and that to think in cliches was to become one. Perhaps these delusions of grandeur could be brought down to Earth during this period of change & growth.