Stillborn.

Tragic time ticks away and tricks me into thinking that we are almost done, as my memories of us have started to feel more like bullets in my loaded gun.  If you knew you were unhappy, why did you smile like you were having so much fun?  I should have known better than to think that you were ever the one.  Now, you should feel guilty for the way you made me believe, that paradise was just around the corner, as if Eden was something that we could achieve.  I feel so deceived, as I watch you walk away unfazed, looking so relieved.  Lying on the floor with my heart in my hands, I slowly give up, refusing to give in to any of your last demands.  Yet, I still hardly understand, how you failed to be the one to deliver me to my Promised Land. Something has got to give before I end up sad and lonely again, naivety has run its course as you are sadly still my hunger pain.  I am unsure what to do now that my life is barraged with rain, as I wash my hands clean of you, and watch the remnants of us circle the drain. Remorse and sorrow fill the home that we once lived in, much to my dismay and chagrin, I cannot help but allow myself to feel the suffering.  I am not a sore loser, nor a poor sport yet I fail to comprehend how to view this as a win, as I long to rewind time to when loving you never felt like the eighth deadly sin.   I cannot help but wonder if life made you this way or if these flaws were inborn, as I lie naked on the floor, with my heart in my hands, feeling so torn.  You smelled as sweet as the most lovely roses, although you were more similar to their thorns.  As you pricked my finger, and made me bleed, on countless occasions, I now see that our love was stillborn.  

Journey.

The saddest day of my life was unexpected and blindsighted me in a single, sorrowful instant, time stood still that very day as I was forced to accept that it was not a misprint. Frozen, I stood not wanting to accept that you had been chosen, to return to God to watch over us, you were always so ambrosian. My voice failed me, as I tried to hold my head up high and stand tall and strong, not wanting to reveal that I really felt like it would get caught in my chest, like the saddest song. Now I sing the blues, for I know what real pain can do; how it can turn one's frown upside down, leaving them feeling worse than if they had been subdued. I wish I could undo the sadness, or turn back the hands of time, wish I could dismiss my ability to reminisce, and gain eternal sunshine in my spotless mind. I watched your slow decline, saw your spirit slowly begin to give up, and then to fade; instead of reverting to the lost little boy I was when first subjected with loss, I will count my blessings, and not allow myself to be afraid. Your legacy will live on through me, as my persona is such a positive reflection of yours; already, the opportunist in me, is finding the optimism that lies within me, as I now see all of the exciting newly opened doors. The fire inside me has brightened, and gains power with each new day, as the determination within me enlightens, my ambition has returned much stronger now than it was yesterday. I have let go of all hostility and hatred, started a new chapter with a clean slate; tabula rasa tenderness that will be sure to help me improve my fate. My destiny will be fulfilled, as I am now going to be working for two, I will grow wiser, as change truly comes with the desire to do so, my motivation will be resilient, and refuse to be removed. The sun shines sweetly as it rises, embracing the world for a new day and with it a new start; losing you was hard but will ultimately be the catalyst that reignited the spark that died inside my heart. My journey begins now, not with a single step, but with a giant bound, I can gladly, and fortunately say that upon being reminded of my own mortality, I have found the reasons to regain solid ground.

Reptile.

The lack of communication brought on the demise of our relations, like an ancient civilization, falling apart; it all resulted in the overwhelming frustration that led to the condemnation of my bruised and battered, broken heart. We were of Atlantis, as our continent slowly flooded, entering a state of total disrepair. Sumerian Gods could not have saved us, for ours had become a planet devoid of oxygen, how were we supposed to breathe with no air? Slowly but surely, our lifelines were cut, as we floated much too far out at sea, with the remaining strength within me, I prayed for salvation, for an escape, or an end to the misery of your company. I stayed because you made it so convenient, gave me stability and security at the cost of my very soul. Naive and foolish me, like a kitten, I continued to drink the poisoned milk that you would provide for me, endlessly, in the most deceiving bowls. I watched you stray, silently, refusing to accept that we had reached our untimely end. Foolishly, I denied the truth, and attempted to keep you around, confusing you for my dearest friend. But alas, in the end, my heart was unable to mend as I continued to pretend that redemption was just around the bend. You laid me out like dirty laundry, belittled me at every opportunity, made it your goal to remind me of my unforgivable flaws. Take your place at centre stage, and bow as your audience gives you a standing ovation; here comes your shower of applause. I wish you had the decency to tell me that you were through with me instead of feigning interest through the form of careful control. I would definitely be different now if that were the case, but I would not be as wise, as you taught me the greatest lessons; I grew wiser and more bold. I learned to be accepting, never jealous, or overbearing but instead to share my feelings, be trusting, and more caring. Your skin might shed with each new year, yet I still see through the smoke and wonder. You are a reptile, with scaly skin, always wishing the worst for others, competing with them until you trick yourself into believing that you have succeeded at stealing their thunder. Your tongue flicks in and out of your mouth as you lasciviously search for your next unsuspecting victim or prey, hopefully your efforts are one day in vein, as society becomes privy to the games that you attempt to play. You were a snake in sheep's clothing, fortunately I finally saw through the facade and left. I have survived as a result, I am not one to be played, or grow old, lonely, or become bereft. I have finally been set free, liberated long enough to catch my breath.

Critic.

Denial, like a double sided sword, cuts deeper when coupled with remorse, as reality and its harshness has started to run its course. Grief grows thicker than fog making it hard to see the tunnel, let alone the light at its dreary end, as I muster all of my knowledge in the attempt to comprehend how to create a new beginning from a story that refuses to end. Something from nothing but at what cost, how much more compromise will it take before I have mastered the art of being my own boss? Soul searching should not feel selfish, yet for some reason it always does, as the inability to accept things for what they are has started to deeply affect the beauty that once was. If I could, I would rewind time to the days when life always seemed so easy, instead my present preyed on my past, making the world that surrounded me become so sleazy. Shadowed by my doubts, my potential stagnates inside me like milk that sits on the counter waiting to turn sour, as I pace and watch life pass me by, and wonder when it will be my hour. When will the sun shine for me, showing me that all was naught in vain; when will my universe unfold so I can feel at peace within my soul again? I slowly watch as each one of my dreams miscarries or is still-born, dead on arrival ambition of mine tends to break me, and make me feel so torn. Distraught, I dance dead behind the eyes, forcing my feelings to fly away, repressing them, and donning a disguise. I crave clarity to supplement the logic and reason that long to be let out, I am my harshest critic on the coldest days, what happened to the confidence that once emanated within me, and filled me from the inside out. I know I have limitless success lying dormant in me, waiting to be tapped into, yet I foolishly give up before tasting the failure which once had the ability to make me feel renewed. I will march on, and carry on, remove this monkey from my back. I will believe in myself and know my dreams wil be achieved, no longer falling victim to my endless, scrutiny and attacks. The king is back, and will be better than he ever was before; I may have been yesterday's fool, but I will never be today, or tomorrow's postwar whore.