Awakening.

The emptiness soaks in absorbing my body entirely, as it pulls my heart out; it is now obsolete. The security that would once surround me, left loneliness in its place, and has moved onto better streets. My sights were once set so high, now I watch helplessly as the only hope I have is to survive. It depletes everyday, bringing to mind the question of whether I will rot, and then decay. With too much on my plate, I realize I have taken on more than I can handle. The fear that fills me, burning stronger with each day, threatens to be my biggest scandal. In the water, I am beautiful as it washes away my sins. Purifies me like the divine, and reminds me that I am capable of achieving anything. Instead, I choose to remain in this morbid mundane stagnant state that surrounds me with the constant memories of all the things that I truly hate. Wasting away as I wear my heart on my sleeve every time that I go out, only to open myself up and be vulnerable, the thing I most need to do without. I cannot function knowing that I am the cause and not the cure, as I fade into black, my shadow remains pulling at strings to find something, or someone who will make it feel secure. The rock-hard stability that I seek loses its credibility as the hours turn into days and then weeks. I am an eternal work in progress, floating, hoping to catch glimpse of something that I can truly be passionate about. Yet for some reason, which my mind cannot comprehend, my insides tremble because of the repressed shouts. I am not hurting anyone but the future self that is to come, the one who hopes to meet an improved version of me, and not one that is just numb. I break everyday, yet somehow the pieces are not too difficult to put back together. I am human though, and fallible even on my most determined days. I refuse to admit that I was born this way for it would be inhumane for all of thus pain to be innate. I seek out the sun at the beginning of my day to remind me that I am still receptive, and open to love. The Hide and Seek moon at night lulls me to sleep, my goddess from above. The loneliness seeps in, injecting me with its apathy, that crawls under my skin. As I lie here counting sheep along with my defeats, with hands crossed in prayer, I patiently wait for the desperately needed healing to begin.

Passive Aggressive.

You claimed to be okay and said you were unfazed, but I should have known that you were waiting to set my world ablaze. I wish we could communicate, only then would I know this is all not in vain, if only we could eliminate the aggregate, then our potential would not poison our brains. Concealed caricatures of the person you claimed to be rose to the surface and engaged in battle with me, you claimed to wish me well but only gave me Hell, as you slowly revealed your colours, and came out of your sullen shell. Noxious naiveté that nearly knocked me off my feet, maniacally made me miss the person that I used to be. Your temperamental torture tasted like toxic defeat, seeping into my pores, and then dragging me through the streets. Taxicab confessions, without you I would only stay alive, with you I would surely die, as you contained enough venomous sting to inhabit many beehives. Double sided sword love, either one hurting more than the next; is it even worth it in exchange for the lack of respect? You refuse to tell me, or talk when something is on your mind, let molehills grow into mountains before you are reminded that they were even on your mind. Dust, and ashes brushed under the rug for the maid to find and laugh about, as you pushed me away with your silent penance that appeared to be devout. So take it all back, I have no time for this. I am over-booked but spontaneous, that must mean your love was the abyss. I ventured in deeper and deeper until I was lost before I found myself again, you already had my emotions, why did you also need to disparage my skin with your toxic acid rain? Neediness comes with a hefty price of heed, you cannot truly admit to love unless you first acknowledge your own greed. All selfishness aside, you claim to have done this for me as well, but I am not, nor will I ever be the one to accept without the option to rebel. Treat me right and we can last, challenge me as often as you can; without complexity, we are both bound to result in the arrested development of our own respective lands. Passive aggressive with your vibe so aggressive, why did you digress and leave the best to the rest? Show me your surreal colour, make me see that you can shine, too - without holding me hostage, accosting me for all that you do. Over now, done, you lost your chance to make an impact; seethe as you watch silent as my life gets back on track.

Blackhole.

My self love weighs heavy on my heart, and that is why the other me is my greatest counterpart. This black hole wants to pull me deep within, confine me, never console me, and make me bathe in my own sins. The emotional tide turns in and crashes against the shore of my security, as I venture further in and engage in feigned frivolous fatuities. I tried to conceal my past, suppressed it as much as I could, until I came to realize that I had misunderstood. Galaxies of gratitude which we will regale in when I am well, are the same sentiments that send me sorely sailing towards Hell. Vociferous and vile, evil tries to purchase me, only playing for keeps; as I subconsciously proselytize to gain my own flock of wicked sheep. The energy, and chemicals between us are absorbed into my skin, yet I try to flush it all away and drown it in a bottle of bathtub gin. This charade is not enough to break me, nor will it ever be easy to shake. I am still, however, well aware that I will become the things that I attain to make. Ambition don't fail me now, I get closer by the day; hours, minutes, and seconds are the only currencies with which I am currently able to pay. Lecherous lethargy let go of me, I release you to marry the night. Your flag was raised even before I arrived, and was forced to stop at your red light. I look to the skies for the answers I seek but I am ashamed for what might be reflected; will it be the inner-me or the attributes of the boy inside that I rejected? I fade to black as I fought the hardest that I could right now, I can only keep my hands crossed in prayer until true blissful happiness is something that I am willing to allow.