Accident-prone yet bulletproof, resilience courses through my veins. After pulling shrapnel from my own hell-bent self-destruction, all I was left with was me. Through embracing my darkness, I found the light. Here lives a collection of poetry, prose, and reflections on trauma, survival, desire, and becoming.
Sunday, May 09, 2010
Everest
As a new moon fell on my sleepless nights, a fresh flame ignited in my heart as I discarded of your memories and turned off the never ending white lights. I spent a fortnight berating myself for being contrite, I regret not leaving sooner and tasting freedom on my tongue. No longer innocent although I have managed to stay young. Refusing to succumb once more to your chains that made me numb. I triumphed and endured all the pathetic ways that you attempted to push me further into your insecure little cage, I rebelled against your oppression as I trembled with rage, disengaged as I waged wars against myself to gain the world. You were audacious to think that I would stick around and let you win just because I slipped, then fell and accidentally let you in. Your laboratory rat no more, I am free to experiment of my own devices. Like a child in a candy store, my senses indulge in the vibrant colours and various spices. I have finally found the strength to escape from your oppression; stripped bare as I undress myself from your love for the last time. My new eyes revealed a path devoid of wrath and filled with suitors that would shower me in kisses and respect. I am no longer shipwrecked but safe and sound as I feel my clock reset as my life has finally unwound. My inner voices are resounding, calling me to abandon ship and release the anchor that is you. You held me back from all that I could have been, hid me behind your velvet ropes, then laughed wickedly as you burnt my skin. I could have been sailing around the seven seas instead of rotting and decaying from the symptoms of your tyrannical social disease. You were the detour I had to take to find myself again in the bluest eyes and skies. Your lies were the seeds that helped me grow and say my rehearsed goodbyes, only to leave and find love under a more worthy sunrise. The new rays of heat that warm my face and bronze my skin are reminiscent of paradise, my own Eden within. I unlocked the secrets that you refused to reveal to me, kept out of reach behind your heavy lock and key. You were the poison while he is the potpourri; your smell is toxic, while mine will always stay sweet. Forced to find the answer to the questions you always neglected to ask, loving you was the most despicable and laborious task. I can see the horizon in the distance and it is more breathtaking when you are not in sight; delighted, my heart beats in anticipation for another's scent tonight. At last, I have scaled my Everest, fumbling further towards ecstasy with each whispered word shared in my latest love affair. Blessed, I have arrived to claim my throne among the best, leaving you in the past with your pitiful Napoleon complex. I laugh vindicated as I watch you spiralling towards your long awaited demise, as you realize that it is true, and always you my eyes despised.
Wednesday, May 05, 2010
Exhale
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Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Illumination
I close my eyes and hide behind my hands, try to explain but no one seems to understand. The world itself is crying out for help, as we continue to meander from the truth and squander our wealth on ourselves. We could have saved the children that turned into tyrants and unjust kings, educated our siblings and taught them to do the noble thing. Instead we turned the other cheek, veiled but rarely modest or discreet, hoping to never encounter poverty within our own streets. Feral children fearlessly face famine and frustration, genocides and war have become the cause that they live to die for. But instead we feign ignorance and dance to rhythmic beats. If I could change the world with my hands or even with my pen, I would serve the Earth's inhabitants and help them feel complete again. How fair is it for us to build castles when they can only build theirs in the sky, injustice and punishment are their only lullabies. Women in the Middle East are attacked for their honour every single day, while their Western counterparts have the freedom to attend soirées. Oppression is the reason why men are often reduced to mice, repressed and ignored as they battle over rations of rice. Coincidentally, we choose our battles here and take the freedom to choose for granted, enchanted like the accursed forests and whales so often implanted in children's fairy tales. I made the choice to fail, when I could have fought to win it all. And at the end of the day, I realize, that I am the only one that I can blame for my repeated falls. I will rise up against myself, prohibit toxicity from affecting my health. I will take responsibility for my lack of action, until I can comfort myself with the satisfaction that I have craved for far too long. My swan song will result in an upheaval, a reinvention so powerful and bright. One day, in the not too distant future, I will help my brothers fight. Against the injustice that burdens their souls, and the subjugation that chills their bones. I will strive to build new homes for the unfortunate ones who have been the victims of earthquakes and cyclones. The proof is in the pudding and it is finally clear to me, that everything is as impermanent as Buddha revealed for all to see. I no longer crave the material things that brought me joy when I was naive. I believe the time has come for the world's final reprieve, no longer forced to bereave in a land that chooses to misbehave. I will be the kind and gentle knave that bravely rescued and freed the slaves. The room is now illuminated and I see the puppets on their strings, dancing while they further entangle themselves in a web of misery. I praise the Heavens mercifully because I have been enlightened by the greatest gift, Mother nature sheds her final tears as the gears continue to shift.
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