Kash Baloch — Poetry on Identity, Love, and Survival

Regression, often my greatest weapon when I feel defensive cheapens my thrills and makes me immune to confession.  I crawl into another layer of skin to avoid the sinking feeling that I am covered in sin then build my castle walls higher to prevent myself from caving in.  Instead of learning the lesson that lies in front of me, I choose to circumflect and tip toe around the misery.  Regret comes when you fail to learn from your mistakes, repeating the same patterns that result in getting burned at the stake.  Wise beyond my years, my foresight ensures that I bend but never break yet something beneath the surface aches to put an end to the artificiality of being fake.  Obsessing day and night about the changes that I need to make, perpetually planning and calculating ways to protect myself from heartbreak.  Midnight falls accompanied by the clarity I crave, I rant, I rave although I do not take the steps to see that my soul is saved.  I age backwards, r...

Crimson not just scarlet letters take this house and taint its poorly painted walls, as you continue to hide behind your defences and blame me for all of our falls.  I made the decision long ago to stop being a victim yet society keeps thinking that I am unhappy.  How much more time do I need to spend convincing them to let me be?  Traveled far and wide to realize that love truly comes from within, but then they act as if loving thyself is just a sin.  Tired of fighting for your affection in these silly hunger games, you need to play right to keep my attention or I will soon forget your name.  The predator has become the prey as I feel myself growing weak between the knees, count my blessings daily in the hopes of gaining much needed release.  Tossed and turned throughout the night as your words were ringing in my head, replaying every conversation to listen to all the things that were left unsaid.  Experience not maturity  has taught me how to bi...

I used to think that hope solely floated amidst silver lined clouds, made up by dreamers to keep us fighting for the things that made our hearts beat loud but now I know that it exists, relieved of all my doubts; I can finally breathe again made more resilient by my many shouts.  Growing up not down is more complex than the cycles of the sun, learning to walk now that all I have ever known to do is run; had my share of ups, downs and a lifetime's worth of fun, I am quickly becoming the man I have always had inside, I am the one.  No longer intimidated by the person that I was meant to be, the smile on my face is here to stay as I am truly happy, reflecting on the prisoner I was, so prone to aggression, makes me count my blessings now that I have decided to remain free.  Patience, like a stranger to me, has locked itself in my house and thrown away the key, I now strangely think before I speak, refusing to retaliate or act spitefully whenever I am feeling weak.  Humbl...

Now privy to the knowledge that kisses from roses taste sweeter than the rest, you have made me blossom like a cherry tree in spring, and shown me that real love can make a man feel better than his best.  Daisies and daffodils I have had many on my long and jaded quest, but the sweet embrace of us fulfills my secret garden more poignantly than the others, I must confess.  My water slakes your thirst as your oxygen breathes new life into me so beautifully, enamoured I feed hungrily as I promise to sustain you just as dutifully.  You have ended the drought that filled my world with weeds, making me feel so dark; like a gardener, you cleansed the soil around me that was slowly beginning to poison my heart.  Like art, I am the painter and you are my canvas, I take your hand in my own longing to chase away your fears and prevent you from ever again feeling anxious.  Our tulips bow blissfully, prostrating in submission to the passion that overflows from my cup into yo...

Filled with new light and perspective, I no longer feel the need to be so defensive as I realize that idle talk is just cheap while the refusal to achieve my goals comes at a price that is more expensive.  My heart is once again open as my smile has ceased to be so pensive.  Yet somehow you still deny that I have altered, still act though I tripped, stumbled, and faltered.  Right as rain, I have changed; grown as tall as the redwood trees.  While you have merely remained a name wistfully whispered by their leaves' lonely breeze.  Unnerved and at ease, my spirit sails amongst the stars as it silently reflects on how I have travelled so far.  Crossed heartbreak hotels which were the homes where I once lived.  Happier now than ever before now that I am finally growing up; I am no longer just a kid.  Yet somehow you still deny that I am wise beyond my years.  Hold on to the notion that I am still haunted by my fears.  You refuse to accept th...

Acceptance, like a silent blessing swoops in and ensures me that I will see an end to my suffering.  Like the light at the end of my tunnel, hope floats towards me as I take hold, no longer worried that my life will forever be filled with trouble.  I now stop to smell the flowers, surprised that they can still smell so sweet, although I am more conscious yet comfortable with the fact that I am flying solo down a one way street, I know deep inside that it will not result in my death or defeat.  No longer filled with malice or deceit, I have made the decision to practise what I perpetually preach, as I sit in the lotus position, begin my meditation, and prepare myself to assist others with the knowledge that fills my cup, then overflows, each and every week.  Callous complaints that once coexisted with cockiness inside my heart no longer provide me with a false sense of relief, I am growing taller, and stronger every day as I become aware of the king that resides withi...

Sober never seemed like it could ever be so serene, until I was taken outside of myself and forced to accept that all that glitters is not necessarily as beautiful as it might seem.  Purified perspective points me in the right direction and paints a picture of a person that I thought long ago had abandoned me and set out to create mass internal destruction.  No longer coveting all things covered in the colour black, as I fight back, feeling renewed, more confident in my ability to avert others' acidic attacks.  I am not a sheep yet for so long I got lost amongst a failing flock, I am actually Bo Peep, the solo shepherd who controls the block.  Removed from my resources, I found the greatest gift of all, resurrected, stronger than ever, no longer weak enough to slip or fall.  Once again, I can see the light that had died behind my eyes, assured that I have become someone that I can love, instead of the social pariah I was, that I despised.  I am ready to tak...